Rememberance

I woke up relatively early today, and headed to the florist. Today is the one year anniversary of the passing of my ex's grandmother. I  wanted to do something special for him, to help him get by what I imagine would be a rough day. Especially as the exact moment when he got a phone call from home with "the news" he wrote to me and said it felt rough...

So I got him flowers and brought a candle, and brought it to the office. Clandestinely, I went to seek him out at the library where he said he was studying, and it felt exciting and fun walking around playing "seek" (he wasn't really hiding...), something that reminded me of a game we played between rows of books late 2011 when he and I both agreed to encourage one another to study at the library.

Later in the afternoon, he came to my office and I gave him the things I brought to help him hold a little remembrance ceremony. His eyes turned red, and he was obviously touched. For several moments, he talked about his grandma and shared with me sweet memories from his childhood.

Then what happened? Somehow, I can't even remember how, the conversation strayed to the fragile state of our relationship at the moment. Perhaps it didn't help when I mentioned to him, because I think of all people he should know, that I'm committing myself to a clinic tomorrow for a psychological assessment for my severe bout of depression. He broke down and sobbed, saying he feels he has failed me so because all he ever wanted was to help me get through through. Somehow, his help became hurt to me... "We are destroying each other..." he said.

Today was supposed to be about his grandma, someone he cared about a lot and whom my ex visited every time he went home, but somehow (like so often nowadays...) the topic of conversation between us never seems to stray too far away from us and what "was" and what we "had".

Why...? Why is that?

Isn't it so sad that after four years of friendship, and fully knowing how much care and love there is for one another, now all we seem able to do is make each other cry and make each other hurt. I don't know why I get the feeling there's a lot of hostility toward me and where it comes from, because after all that has happened between us, even as much as it hurts and disappoints me, I believe I am willing to overlook things in the past and just try be there for him... Why else would I buy flowers and try to help him through this special day? Why else did I just clandestinely buy a plane ticket (same-day return, no less!) to surprise him at the call to bar ceremony taking place this Friday?
It's because I want to make him happy, make him smile, because when I see that, it makes me happy, makes me smile, even if he just wants to be friends now, even if he seems to have left behind all those dreams and hopes of being together one day...

It hurts to see such a beautiful and strong  bond just break down so incomprehensibly, and to see two people hurt and cry like this. It doesn't have to be like this, does it?