Cuckoo's nest

I walked out of the CBT clinic shaking. My stomach, which was already upset, felt even more queasy. Two and a half hours of interview questions and questionnaires about my life and what's bothering me behind me. At several moments, I felt faint and wanted to close my eyes to sleep... Sleep and not have to think... Because I just can't think anymore.

My ex spend the night at my place. I thought he had no where to go. But this morning it was revealed that he could have gone to his boyfriend's family to stay the night, but he chose not to, because he was sad and affected by the anniversary of his grandma's passing. Instead he'll go there tonight, now that he's feeling better, happier and smilier. To me it is simply incomprehensible.  How can someone reserve happy moments for someone you're in a relationship in and carry the tears and what really bothers him most to me, the ex?  But who am I to judge? Perhaps I have become just that person to run to to cry and to let frustrations and hard emotions out. Maybe he can understand, maybe he does not see a problem with any of it. Maybe that's part of why I am going to therapy, because there is nothing that I can understand or make sense of...

I feel drained. I don't want to be alone, I want a body to hold me, someone or something to make me smile and forget that I had to remember and talk about such painful and traumatic experiences... This is part of what I said to the interviewers, who are assessing me to couple me with a professional. The loneliness, the numbing and disabling sense of loss and abandonment is killing me deep down and killing me so roughly.  But who do I call? Who can I call?

I feel like I've had to dig deep, to bare myself, even though as I did it the words and frustrations came out so smoothly. Mum's death, dad's death, friends' death , caregiving, and the deep sense of abandonment and disappointment at my ex's behaviour (and I seem to let it all continue... He seems oblivious to it all...) And then there's the childhood.

I shook and hesitated before I could utter those words out. The interviewers (two psychologists) were visibly taken aback when on top of everything, I revealed what happened to me as a child. "You have gone through so much..." Too much. Too much. Maybe not war and the devastation of parent losing a child, maybe not the trauma of losing a limb or watching someone get killed or maimed... but abuse is so traumatic, so overwhelming and lingering. It's like a shadow you cannot dispel, even though at times it seems to have faded away... But it always comes back. I told them I forgive, and that I have forgiven who it was who did it to me. Why? Because I do not wish to perpetuate pain, do not wish to carry the pain and misery and allow myself to hurt and abuse another like the way I was abused. But that takes a lot of courage, a lot of self-discipline and constantly keeping my actions and thoughts in check.

"You have gone through so much..." Maybe they say that to everyone who comes through the door, out of professional responsibility and out of compassion. But really, objectively, I have gone through so much and survived. Or at least am trying to. I do not wish to play a victim, do not wish to play the sympathy card. But after so much that has happened, do I not deserve the right to heal? Do I not have a real reason to cry, a real reason to be afraid that if I allow things to continue spiralling downward I will end up causing irreparable emotional (or perhaps even physical...) damage to myself?

It's a lot to take, too much piled on top of one another and too much to sort through. So I'm going to the "cuckoo's nest" in the hope of dealing with it all, in the hope of finding myself and realising that contrary to what people tell me and may think, I am not the selfish or uncaring bastard I am, I am not the mean-spirited and chronically down person I seem to be. I want a way out! I want to feel and be alive! I want to change and change for the better, for myself and for the sake of those around me!
 I maybe down and burdened by traumas and troubles a lot of the time, but it is not me, does not define me, even if friends (and I feel to an extent my ex...) seem to reject those parts of me and distance themselves from me. I am seeking help because it pains me to be and feel so negative, because it pains me to lose all sight of hope and perspective, and because I want to emerge stronger and tell myself that I deserve to be loved and loved in the way I want to be loved. Because I am worth it.

I felt shaken, nauseated and trembled as I spoke. After the intake interview, I wanted to throw up, wanted to cry. But the empty corridors of a clinic seems like such a bizarre place to break down and cry. The bitterly cold temperatures outside did not make me feel better (-26C!)

But I got home, a place where I could relieve myself, and let myself go. Hug my blanket like it is someone's comforting body, and let myself go...