Release

(English version of the song "Fairytale" 童話）

"I hope dad will always, always protect and safeguard this family and everyone's health and happiness..."

As I wrote, there were moments when I could hardly contain my tears. I tuned into the song I heard on the radio the other day, the same song that was played at dad's cremation four years ago.

For the first time since my return, as I wrote I felt desperation and weakness consume my deepest and most fragile core. And I felt myself crack and break, felt that brave, brave mask I have been putting on crumble and fall. Fall with tears and sorrow that I have yet to express to anyone. It seems the only person I can truly open up to now is one who is already long gone...



It truly has been a long and difficult year. Long-awaited dreams were realised, beautiful dreams, beautiful memories of travels and laughters with mum... But those have been countered and subsumed by the turbulent circumstances surrounding mum's ailing health, which continues to weigh heavily on my mind and soul.

All that has happened over the past three weeks, and even before that, all those visits to the hospital, all that waiting for results, only to  be told that more scans are necessary, more treatment is necessary... Dad must have seen it all, must have seen how tired mum has grown, how worn out mum has become. And dad must know what heavy toll it has taken on my life, what I have had to forgo time and again to rush back and forth between here and my attempts to settle down...

This is my life. This is the way things are, and I can only accept things are they are. But oh how I wish there were a source of strength I could turn to, how I wish I could have a trusted  companion who could hold me, and stroke my head softly to reassure me. Is that being too needy? Does not every human being need some kind of external strength and outlet?

For the first time, I asked dad for guidance and support, asked for his blessing, even though I know that he would not want to see me so deflated and so desperately crying out for help. But more and more, I find myself so very lonely and lost that when I sleep I find myself hugging myself so tightly as if I am afraid of getting hurt... Dad, I do hope you can hear your dear son's prayers... Dad, I do hope if you are watching, watching everything unfold and deteriorate, you can come and soothe mum's pain, soothe my frustrations, and support this family as you used to...

Why do I do it? Why do I put myself through the pain and memories of writing to someone who has been dead and out of my life for almost four years?

Because he is my dad...
Because

"Dad, I miss you... I miss you so very, very much..."

( The music video is very difficult to watch...)