Nap

A rare afternoon home, together with mum, who took "leave" from the hospital. We live so close to the hospital, and mum just wants to be home to rest and feel more... "at home", instead of just lie there in the hospital bed and do nothing...

I was exhausted. Over two weeks of accumulated fatigue and worry has really drained me physically and mentally. Even yesterday, when I accompanied mum to a massage, the masseur  said my back is terribly misshaped, and that there is something wrong with my liver-- all due to exhaustion. I must rest more, and rest better.

So nap I did... and  I had so much difficulty waking up.I  There were so many dreams... I was flying, flying on a mop, in my neighbourhood back in Canada. I could see the big-box shops and familiar shop names, and I kept jumping from roof to roof, trying to avoid trees and tall buildings. It was an extremely terrifying experience, yet also I felt so free. All the worry, all the sights and sounds of the hospital ward, where I have been spending so much time every day, were gone... I was just flying, flying, freely flying...

There was another dream, this time with mum in it, and we were together on a long distance train. She was with me in the berth at one moment, admiring the scenery outside the window, and the next she disappeared. I could not find her, and panicked. Under the seats were her shoes and a large blanket which belonged to her. I picked them up, and went from carriage to carriage looking for her. At one moment, I noticed the train was slowing down, and for some reason we were arriving in Brussels...

I woke up, curled up in a fetal position, feeling so very vulnerable, and held onto myself. I could just burst into tears from the deep, deep sense of loneliness that suddenly overcame me after waking up.

And it was then that the phone rang.