Letter from the past

Amidst the uncertainty of mum's condition, I got an email from my ex today. He says he misses me, and how he would like to talk to me, to listen to me and know how things are here.

Earlier I wrote to him, briefly, saying how much I appreciate him thinking of me still. But I told him I no longer wish to impose on his life, no longer wish to divide his heart and time. Why should he have to listen to my sad feelings, my heavy heart, listen to my complaints about how I feel like cracking up, giving up and turning away from all this here? Why should I have to put him through all that, when he is beginning a new life, and as he told me, happy? I don't want to ruin that happiness for him... I seem to have done much of that already over the past year, or perhaps even years since the moment we first met.

An hour or two before I left Montreal two weeks or so ago, he was in my bedroom, crying... I was already distraught (though not showing it...) from the latest news of mum having a surgery imminently, and yet I still had to be strond, hold myself together, and comfort him. He cried, because I refused to let him come with me, refused that he give up his last few days in Montreal before he starts a new job, new life, just to be with me. He cried because I refused to let him help me or comfort me. He cried because, I think,  he knows this will be the last time I will see him for a long, long time to come.


He cried because he says his care (an love?) for me extends beyond our short-lived relationship. We could have had it all, he said again, but things was always so complicated between us. And now... he me how happy he was with his new (boy?)friend. Implied was that i cause him tears and sadness. And I know it too, over the past two months or so, our relationship, our friendship has deteriorated dramatically, much because I've been pushing him too much, pushing him closer to the boy he is now with.

He told me to go and move on, to stop waiting around, I remember. I smiled, and said I will. That is all I needed to hear, after our breakup last May, there were so many hints we would get back together. He even told me to wait, to be patient, but perhaps that was all a way to make I easier for him to hold on to me while he sees if there is a chance to rekindle the romance with his friend.

So I waited, got impatient, but waited, contrary to what various (mutual) friends have told me... "Forget him, move on."..."It's not worth it..." But the love struck and deeply committed fool I am hung around.

And now he still wants to hear from me, still wants to know what is going on in my life... Little does he realise how much it pains me, how much hurt and pain it adds to my already weighted heart and soul, to be cared by him, when he has already managed to move on so quickly. I cannot be selfish again and ruin his chance at happiness...

 He told me he is happy, so why do I have to ruin that by talking to him and wasting his time with sad stories, heavy conversations  and ugly memories of what we were, and how I am struggling to cope with life and death here?

I will insulate him from my life, from my being, for I seem to only have the effect of depressing him and making him cry now. And he does not need that, for he told me he is happy, he has found his happiness.

So let me cut away the unhappiness from his life, and let him just be without me.