Meeting her grandson

07012012
10.32

I cannot imagine anything more beautiful. A grandmother holding her grandchild in her arms for the very first time. The sun shown on mum's face, revealing her wrinkles and getting hair. My nephew was calm in her arms, and curiously eyed my mum with a puzzled expression. He reached out to finger mum's neck brace and play with the collar of her pink hospital gown.

I stood on the side, as I normally do at these occasions, and took it all in. Mum laughing, pulling face at my nephew, my brother and sister-in-law arm in arm admiring the beautiful first moments of bonding between a grandmother and her grandchild. Mum has seen him so many times on Skype, in pictures and videos... But nothing, nothing compares to the real thing, nothing compares to the warmth and little delicate movements of a baby whose eyes take in this world with wonder and awe. I teared...

What a scene, what a moment. In the background, oxygen tubes, some clutter of glasses and cutlery, pills, and a bouquet of fresh lilies that brother brought from the market (at my suggestion...). Despite the somewhat drab surroundings of the hospital ward, nothing can distract from this very moment.

This is the first time that mum is holding a baby. Not just any baby, but her own son's baby child. What thoughts were behind her little smile? Was she proud to be the grandma of such a precious, and fragile, little being? He is the source of much of her happiness. He has been the source of her strength and determination to get better, for a life wish of hers is to one day hold her grandchild in person. And that wish was accomplished today.

22.54

Another night at the hospital, the eleventh night since my return. There was not even time to go home to rest, even though I did go home, but only to pick up something and immediately leave to return to the hospital.

Mum tells me to go and rest at home. But who will stay with her? Who will attend to her needs, massage her sore back and behind? Who will bring her nutritious food and watch over her so that she does not stumble and fall from her still frail legs?

Not that I am the only one who can make sure she is alright. Mum has been talking about hiring someone, a carer. But I cannot let go... I cannot feel comfortable unless I see that she is alright.

My brother came back last night, but to be honest, as some of mum's friends tell me, there is little he can do. He has a wife and baby to take care of, besides he has to go visit a lot of people in the coming period who are all eagerly wanting to see the little baby. My brother came by today and sat next to mum. It's good that he does that, to keep her company. But when I asked him to give mum a back rub, or to moisten her skin with lotion, he only did so half-heartedly... I know, I cannot expect everyone to do what I do, to be as attentive and detail-minded as I am. And besides, he's still recovering from jetlag and didn't sleep much last night because my nephew was noisy.

I know being with mum makes her uneasy and feel guilty. She keeps on telling me to go home, to leave her for she will be fine in her own. But I just cannot leave her like that... And I get irritated too. So tired and irritated that she is telling me to go and leave her  when all I'm trying to do is be with her at this crucial time.

To be honest, I do feel the fatigue and restlessness creeping in. I barely have time for myself, every moment it seems there is something to do, something to take care of... If not the dishes, then it's making sure mum gets the right pills and necessary nutrients... If it's not making sure mum is comfortable in bed, then it's making sure mum gets up and walks around a bit to exercise and train how to walk again... Every single moment it seems I am busy doing something. I do it all, I face it all with a calm composure, but deep down, I feel myself cracking...

I barely have time for myself, to write, to work, to collect my thoughts and calm down. At the same time of dealing with mum's new condition, my thoughts drift to my ex, who keeps writing me messages that I don't reply to. Don't want to reply to. Because I don't want him to feel conflicted and torn any more. He is better off without me, without having to listen to me talk about my problems and what I'm facing here. He told me so clearly he is happy with this new guy, so implying I have given him much grief and unhappiness (admittedly in the past few weeks I have...). If he is happy, what does he need me for? What else can i give him that his new "boyfriend" cannot give him? I see little need for us to talk at all, as he seems to want to, when all I can bring him is heaviness and awkward conversations. So I just want to cut myself off from his life. At least for now. Is it cruel? But he told me to move on... He's already doing that. So I'm just letting  him finally "resolve" me and move on, as he has wanted to for a long time.

Probably the hurried and randomness of the notes for the past few days reflect the mood I am in... Disjointed, nervous and agitated... And so very tired...