Life and death

A friend just wrote to me, pouring her heart about about the latest loss of a loved one. Just over two months ago, she had lost her mother, and now, another person dear in her life passed away.

She wrote to me, expressing much fear and confusion in her mind. At the end of it all, she apologised for bothering me with her dark thoughts and news, but I thought nothing of it.




I spent the entire evening writing back to her, hoping that she could find some solace in my words. I wished there was much more I could do, but being so far away, all I could do was 'listen' and write back, encouraging her to live on, to move on and continue with life, however painful and difficult it may be.

She expressed to me how deep the loneliness feels of losing a dear one. I wrote back, consoling her, telling her, perhaps in the cliche way, that it is all natural, that when there is life, there is death, and that feelings will pass. But deep down, I questioned myself as I was writing... I can write all this to console a friend in need, can I really console myself when the moment comes when I have to deal with loss?
Have I really felt that depth of loneliness, that sense of despair you don't want to live anymore because you have lost all the motherly comfort and security you have known and gotten used to before...? Am I prepared for it? And who can I turn to really, who can I really feel comfortable confiding in and not feel awkward about burdening?

I could write so beautifully, perhaps even so poetically, about dealing with death and about trying to move on.... but deep inside, I felt and heard the word "hypocrite" echoing... What do I really know about death? Perhaps I have forgotten already, since it has already been over three years since dad passed away. And dealing with mum's illness, even though it is facing death, is not really death itself. Am I really all that experienced and immune to the pain? Will I not feel the same sense of loss and being lost when it happens to me next? And can I really cope on my own?

I don't know... but however much I care for my friend and however much I am concerned about her wellbeing, these questions make me feel like an impostor and a fake.