New Year's Eve

Barely past eleven, and mum is already sleeping, snoring. The whole day it has been as if she was under a spell of sleepiness and drowsiness, and would nod off whenever she sits down for a bit. On the way to dad's temple, she fell asleep, on the way back, she fell asleep. After lunch, she fell sleep. And sitting in front of the TV, as we were all gathered together to enjoy the New Year's Eve evening in, she could not keep her eyes open for long.

She began taking the painkillers which contain morphine. It really does take away the sensation of soreness in her arms, but one of the sideeffects is inducing drowsiness and sleep. Even now, as firecrackers are exploding outside, she seems to not even stir from her slumber. I makes me really concerned if she continues taking these painkillers, that she'll descend into a state of dependency, and a state of semi-permanent drowsiness which is not good for her mental or physical health.

As for me, I've been feeling a gnawing sense of discontent within ever since I woke up this morning. Perhaps it is because I slept late trying to finish writing to dad, so as a result I didn't sleep for long. And having to sleep on the floor every night on  a makeshift bed made up of seat-cushions isn't doing much good for my back. I also have a slight headache, I suspect from the cold and runny nose I started having a few days ago. Plus, today is the anniversary of dad's passing, yet besides going to see dad's remains at the temple, it seems just like any other day...

My friend and I have been talking about my return to Canada, but as much as I'd like to go home, I'm afraid to actually take the bold step of booking a flight. There really is no problem, except the problem comes from me. It's me just not being able to decide on a date, me worrying too much about the what ifs, what then, and thinking about what may happen. It's me not being able to just let go of things, and leave here with ease of mind, despite mum telling me repeatedly to go and telling me that she'll be fine. In fact, just before she fell asleep, she said to me, "You've done so much for all of us..." Those words made me emotional all over.

I think I'll feel better and less moody when I sleep and forget about things. Hopefully I'll wake up feeling like a new person and feeling refreshed.