Letter to dad

"I shed tears, it is [because I] remember dad fondly, it is [because I] hope dad is [living] peacefully, happily, it is [because I] hope when dad sees me and the people in our family [dad] still holds on to that deep affection of [our] family and beautiful memories..."


Three years it has already been. Three years ago, according to the lunar calendar, dad passed away quietly in my hands at the hospital within walking distance from where we live. If I close my eyes, if I sink into the darkness and depths of my consciousness and memories, I can still feel it, I can still see it, I can still smell the sterile scent of the hospital intensive care unit, I can still hear the incessant beeping of the life support system that gradually beeped slower and slower until it faded into nothing.

Dad has come back in my dreams, sometimes nightmares that disturb me so, and leave me heaving for breath and shedding heavy tears out of longing and out of pain. Dad has come back in my thoughts, whenever I see or experience something beautiful I would like to share with him. And dad comes back in my words and in my writings, for he too was a writer when he was alive, and I like to see myself as continuing this legacy of of his. Dad may have left, but he is never too far away... There is some consolation and comfort in thinking this way.

And I maintain his memory by occasionally looking up at his smiling portrait, and by carrying on the tradition of writing to him on his anniversary. Writing a letter to dad, which I will offer to him (by way of  burning) together  with some photographs, paper money, and cigarettes. It is how I 'keep in touch' with him, even after he has gone, and how I recollect a lot of the events that have taken place in my life, in the life of my family.

It often brings me to tears to write to dad, and this time was no exception. All the doubts about my own future and uncertainties about mum's health condition occupy a large part of the letter. But there are good news too (or at least better news...), about my brother's wedding, my plans to stay in Canada permanently, and the 'burgeoning' relationship between my friend and I, which has brought me much happiness and comfort, despite all odds. In closing, I asked for little, and asked for what I always ask for when I pray at a temple: that dad watch over and protect my family, especially mum... protect them from harm, from worry and suffering, provide them with peace, happiness and ease of mind.

I only hope that dad will 'receive' my letter, and that he will be reassured that even after he has gone, he is often thought of, and still loved.