Bursting

I don't know why I just suddenly burst into tears. I was writing an email to the monk I just spoke to an hour or so ago. I was reminded that it has been a year since his disciple passed away from severe illness.

I guess I wanted to write to the monk because I wanted to share my experience with death, my experience with the loss and longing of a loved one. I wanted to share, because I can only imagine how he is feeling around this time of the year. And I always believe that in sharing your story, you share part of the pain and sadness, and you can somehow, in however trivial a manner, lighten a fellow being's load.

I wanted to write to be strong for my friend, to encourage him to see the bright side of things, and the positive memories of his beloved disciple. I started writing about how I feel about the loss of my dad... the many things he did and sacrificed for my family and me, the many ways he showed his love in unspoken and indirect ways.... And then suddenly I just burst out crying.

Crying... crying. I wanted to be strong, but I am not strong, however much I would like to be and however much I would like to offer words of comfort and consolation to my friend. I'm in fact a mess inside, a mess that's crumbling and sensitive still to the slightest memory and reminder of the way things werer...

Even now as I type the tears are streaming down my face. I don't know why, I don't even know if it's  sadness or pain that's causing me to cry... I just am crying, because maybe writing about dad and my feelings towards the third anniversary of his passing hit such a deep, hidden chord within me that is so raw and so sensitive. It didn't help that moments earlier, while on the phone with mum, she had mentioned some of the things that dad had left behind for my brother and me...

It suddenly feels so painful for some reason. I cannot explain it... I have suddenly this intense longing to see dad's face, to hear his voice, to be next to him and to know that he is well and happy in the hereafter...

Dad, I miss you so.....