Last couple of days

If I were to describe the last couple of days, I don't think I could, really. There have been so many moments of ups and downs, tears and laughters, and through it all my friend has been there, to support me, hold me, make me feel loved and cared for. I kiss him, hug him, place my head against his chest to listen to his heartbeat... all the while, I hope I can give him, or at least make him feel that I give him, what he offers me, and more.

I'm not sure what our status is now, or whether there is a 'we' or 'us' to speak of. He had given me the time to think things through, to decide, but for a few days we've not really talked about things. Maybe it's good to keep it ambiguous. In a way, the last two years we have been having a de facto relationship, being in and out of one another's lives without ever being really committed to one another. In large part, it was me who withheld and held back. It was I who resisted all attempts, however earnest and heartfelt, by my friend to move on and get closer. And though the ambiguity has caused my friend a lot of hurt and pain, he has kept on waiting and hoping.

Is it time to formalise it all, to declare to the world, and most importantly, to ourselves, who we are and what we mean to one another? Is it time for me to take the plunge, and to open myself to another person in my life?  Friends of mine seem to push me forward, to nudge me, nudge us together. And in truth, I know deep inside, I am tending toward that too, for I feel I may have finally found the person who is able to fulfil that void deep inside; who is able and willing to accept me and love me for who I am, with all my warts, insecurities and faults.

But in a way I'm afraid to bring the topic up, even though the time he has given me to think things through has elapsed. I'm afraid to bring the topic up, because throughout the last few weeks the question of 'us' and being together has caused much headache and sleepless nights for both of us. And in some ways, there are still lingering tensions and painful memories between us, mainly caused by my withholding and the closure of my heart to his advances in the last two years, that we need to work out and make clear before we can start anything. It is not an empty slate we are building on, if we should decide to move forward together.

 Ironically, also because of the headaches and sleepless nights, the last few weeks has also brought us closer together than ever before. Just last night, we made another beautiful memory together when we officially for the first time went on a date. The sky was drifting with light snow, drifting with flakes that fell like silver confetti and glistened in the yellow glow of street lights. We trudged through the snow and made our way to a spa, where we relaxed and chatted in warm outdoor pools surrounded by a land covered with ice and white. The contrast of warm and cold was refreshing, the experience of being almost naked to one another in public was delightfully exciting (and at times downright naughty...). The night ended with such intense, warm and intimate moments in the bedroom, and I fell asleep next to him, my nostrils filled with his scent, and my arms absorbing the warmth of his soft, smooth body. It has been a long while since I woke up with a smile seeing someone next to me...

Yes, the last couple of days have been at times turbulent, yet tranquilled by the comfort and presence of my friend and the warmth and care he continues to give me. I'm not sure where we stand, where I stand now... I can only say that I thoroughly enjoy every moment being with him, being together, and long for many more of those precious moments to come.