This is the Dharma

Just spent some time talking with my Buddhist guide. It begun with me inviting him to the upcoming wedding of my brother, and like often the conversation turned to how I'm doing these days. It feels good to be able to share and talk about life with someone who is outside of my life, but at the same time still shares and cares much in my life.

Events in the last few weeks, I realise as I spoke to the monk, have been a roller coaster ride of emotions. Emotions of wanting, of not wanting... of longing, and of being afraid to loose something you would like to hold so dearly onto to. And all that wanting, all that not wanting combine to cause suffering. Sufferin from sleepless nights, from agitated moments of awakeness... suffering also caused by beautiful moments of such deep warmth and intimacy so overpowering that I wish not to stir from that dreamlike state of mind.

"You're lucky," the monk said to me, "You came to know the Dharma at such a young age". Lucky? I feel those feelings of suffering, of frustration, remorse, of longing, of desire, of wanting something/someone so bad that it all becomes such a blur and so confused. Lucky? Lucky perhaps because I know when I sit down to meditate at night, I can at least temporarily distance myself from things and hopefully experience a little insight that will allow me to remain calm and collected when I need it most. "Some of grow old and only realise the truth about Dharma and the way things are later in life," he said.

It is a rough path, I said. A rough and testing road to live and to experience all these conflicting emotions every moment of the day; emotions that are often aggravated by external influences beyond our control.

"Yes, it is rough," he said, comforting me, "But the metaphor is so right in that when you fall, you are still on the path and you have not strayed".

I guess I understand that there is truth in that, even though at moments in life the regret and remorse one feels is so strong and has the strong negative drain on your self-esteem and ability to cope. Sometimes when life gets too much, you must step back and take some time to collect yourself.