Same gate

I walked toward my gate, and as I approached, my heart and memories raced. It's the same gate as the one I left from on that fateful day on 27 December 2011... The trip to end all trips, the trip that began Operation Eternal Happiness and foreshadowed the long lingering period of pain, loss and emptiness that I still feel to this day.

I remember that morning, just before boarding I recordeded a video message. It was just  I spoke to mum. she had been taken to the hospital hours before. She was being prepped for surgery. She sounded weak.  I was afraid I won't see or speak to her again the next time I can communicate, which would be in over 20hrs or so...

The rest, the nights at the hospital, the surgery, the recovery, the vomiting, relapse, vomiting and jaundice, the thinning to bone and skin, the decision to put her on morphine drips, the passing... The rest became history. history. History i and I alone seem to be unable to shake away. History that I can only now quietly recall because in all honesty, who else cares? Who else still remembers or cares to remember? 

I walked quickly through the gate, left behind the airport hall where I once recorded a message, almost two years ago. The beginning of the end, the beginning of the beginning of the state of affairs and my mind today. Muddled, tired, empty and feeling so very Isolated and lonely... 

Who would have known leaving canada that day two years or so back I would return here to nothing, to no one? Much my own doing perhaps...? Who would have thought when I left that time, I was surrounded by friends the night before, and now... where are they all now? 

I boarded the plane and found my seat. Window, as usual. I looked out the window, the plane began to roll back. 

Leave it all behind now.

Quietly leave all this, all this and all these people behind now. 

I have a new life, a new uncharted path before me. I have the chance to begin afresh, to sweep away all that is shallow and unreal and temporary and an opportunity to start something more permanent and settled.

Farewell history, farewell sadness.