IAD

At Dulles Airport, Washington DC. I slept the entire way from Miami. Exhausted, as  only managed to sleep four hours or so last night. Woke up at the moment I descended third floor of the motel To the parking lot, the shuttle bus pulled in. Perfect timing.  

It was pouring, pouring with rain. The Kind of downpour I've seen in typhoons (or hurricanes, as this was Florida...) The driver, a seasoned trucker of over twenty years drove and chatted. Whether any of the passengers were listening is another story, but he seemed keen to tell his. Even at five in the morning. 

Check-in and the flight was uneventful. I sat and walked around. I went to the bookstore and bought two books. it's been while since I read something, and I mean a physical book. One was on happiness, how to reach and live a happier and more appreciative life in a year. The blurb appealed me to greatly. A lawyer, who once clerked for a US supreme court justice sat in the bus and realised her life is passing her by and that she wants to be a writer. she has all she could ever want: living relationship, two children, a great home, but she's not happy... Do I have all I want? maybe not. but still I am not content and yearn for so much. Is it due to the general temperament of depression brought on by loss and grief? Is it my defence mechanism to shut down emotions and feelings activated by the years of abuse? Or is it something more fundamental? I have been accused (wrongly or rightly...) Of not being appreciative enough, of showing so little emotion in the face of joyous events. It pains me to hear that. because I do not and did not ever choose to be underwhelmed or unappreciative of life and all around me. 

The second book, by acclaimed author Mitch Albom who wrote Tuesdays with Morrie, seems go be a grilling tale about loss and finding life again. I love his simple yet profound style of writing and use of words. And the first twenty pages moved me almost yo tears already.  What if one day you receive a call from heaven and it's your mother, lover, cchild valling to  dat everything is alright? Is that bot the ultimate closure? Is that not the closest one will ever get to the lost lived ones after the final goodbye? Is that not a sure sign to you  that it is alright to move on, it is alright and you should not be afraid or guilty to smile, to laugh, to live again?  

And I did need the ability to be happy, to laugh and smile again... A whole new beginning awaits me. 

In Canada.