Too intense

"Hou mij vast,

Leg mijn hoofd licht op je schouders.

Hou mij vast ,

Steel me zachtjes door mijn haar

Hou mij vast,

Soms wordt het eventjes te veel,

Bij jou zijn is dan alles wat ik wil..."

I was in a store, some kind of boutique selling unique and Japan-imported goods. I was there just browsing. 

Mum and I frequented such stores often when I was younger. She loved walking around and seeing and being amazed by how fine and well designed, how practical and consumer-friendly the goods are. And I enjoyed those moments with her (though at times is get annoyed for it takes hours and id get bored...) for sometimes she would buy me little treats and candies, or the store owner would give me something to play with or eat.

I seem to recognise this particular store and the elegant middle aged lady who ran it. I looked intensely at some good that looked like  some kind of soft animal but had a useful application(I forget what for now).

The lady recognised me and greeted me warmly. "Ah, it's you! Did you come back from abroad? Where are you living, the US?" She smiled so friendily and asked me to take my time browsing. I didn't really have a chance to reply. She continued. "How's your mama doing? Haven't seen her for the longest time!" I didn't say much, just smiled weakly and continued to go around the store.

I looked around a bit more. Then I picked up a few goods for her to scan. "Oh, if you buy two more you can get a little toddler's bag!" I said that would be perfect for my little nephew.

"Oh, and your mum has store credits of some NT$6000! You can use them up!"

Then, I don't know why, I broke the news. "Mama left last year..."

Perhaps I was too quiet when I said that, so i repeated again. "She left already..." The lady's expression did  change  the first time, and now it as clear her smile disappeared completely. 

"How? How is that possible? So soon..." She cried. Big tears fell down her cheeks. And I began to cry too. I couldn't help it. Here was another lady who knew mum. And I cried more as the lady recounted how often mum used to go that store and what a pleasant and warm hearted person mum was. I cried even more...

I woke up in one of those experiences when you are crying in the dream but also begin to cry in real life. I sobbed so loudly that my cat who was lying by my feet became so scared she jumped off the bed. I buried my face in the blanket, allowed the tears to soak the blanket. The wail, the sobbing sound, the tears and saliva seeping out were so intense and powerful... "Mama... Mama..." I cried out. 

If she could see now.

She can see me now. 

She must be hurting. 

I am hurting. Tremendously, all by myself. 

Another great way to start the day