I seem to have embarked on a path of self-destruction. Letting old ties go, distancing myself from the world, trying to insulate the rest of the world from my feelings, my grief, my pain.
I have become obsessed with pain and grief and loss. I have been blinded b pain and grief and images of loss, loss, loss. I have neglected people around me, and those who say the care about me and love me. Especially one who says I matter more than I will ever know or care to realise.
I continue to slide into splendid isolation, continue to see the world in warped ways.
I am destroying myself, cutting myself deeper than I have already been hurt, and in the process hurting others.
What is wrong with me? Why have I become so negative and so love-less? How did I slide from the constant and selfless caregiver, who was there for mum through and through, to this isolated, anti-social and self-absorbed being (barely a human being!) is so skeptical and critical of the world and all its people?
How much of this is because of how grief has changed me?
Is this all because of grief? Is this wariness with life and people is due to me experiencing people die in my arms (something that I occasionally still see in (day)dreams...)?
To what extent and for how much longer can I use death and grief to "justify" my own failings and poor behaviour? I cannot. I should not. I promised mum moments after her last breath I will be a better person. I will grow and nourish myself and spread kindness and goodnness.
How I have failed... How I have failed terribly when I can drive someone so close to tears and break his heart. How I have failed as a decent human being when I am unable and no longer(?) able to see people are all trying to be happy and trying to make the most of what they have?
No amount of regret or "sorry's" can take away the feeling of guilt. No amount of tears that I shed and shed now can wash away the pain and numbness I feel...
For once I wish to remember what it feels like not to have a guilty conscience, not to be plagued by dreams and images and imaginations, not to be disturbed by grief, jealously, ,longing and disappointment... God, being sane and human is so difficult.
I have become obsessed with pain and grief and loss. I have been blinded b pain and grief and images of loss, loss, loss. I have neglected people around me, and those who say the care about me and love me. Especially one who says I matter more than I will ever know or care to realise.
I continue to slide into splendid isolation, continue to see the world in warped ways.
I am destroying myself, cutting myself deeper than I have already been hurt, and in the process hurting others.
What is wrong with me? Why have I become so negative and so love-less? How did I slide from the constant and selfless caregiver, who was there for mum through and through, to this isolated, anti-social and self-absorbed being (barely a human being!) is so skeptical and critical of the world and all its people?
How much of this is because of how grief has changed me?
Is this all because of grief? Is this wariness with life and people is due to me experiencing people die in my arms (something that I occasionally still see in (day)dreams...)?
To what extent and for how much longer can I use death and grief to "justify" my own failings and poor behaviour? I cannot. I should not. I promised mum moments after her last breath I will be a better person. I will grow and nourish myself and spread kindness and goodnness.
How I have failed... How I have failed terribly when I can drive someone so close to tears and break his heart. How I have failed as a decent human being when I am unable and no longer(?) able to see people are all trying to be happy and trying to make the most of what they have?
No amount of regret or "sorry's" can take away the feeling of guilt. No amount of tears that I shed and shed now can wash away the pain and numbness I feel...
For once I wish to remember what it feels like not to have a guilty conscience, not to be plagued by dreams and images and imaginations, not to be disturbed by grief, jealously, ,longing and disappointment... God, being sane and human is so difficult.
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