07082012.0043
It's almost been a month since I put her to rest. I miss mum, more and more so, and more and more I feel an emptiness grow and grow inside me... An emptiness like no other that is causing me much grief and to want to withdraw.
After the failed attempt to bike around the island (and the great personal disappointment in failing to realise my dream...) and the emotional journey to mum's hometown, I feel a sudden urge to go see mum (or perhaps let her "see" me...). I want to let her know despite a lot of setback and repressed emotions, I'm hanging on, and that I will be alright. My heart may be heavy, my body may feel so tired and listless, but I will pull through somehow. I know I will.
And I want to mum things that I want her to know, and to ask her questions that only she can answer, even though she is no longer around...
It will be another emotional affair and perhaps painful experience. But as someone reminded me a day or so ago, this is only the "VERY" beginning of losing someone, really losing someone. This is not like losing a friend or losing a lover... This is losing a part of your life, a part that is so fundamental to who you are and how you grew up. The pain and loss will get worse before it gradually, gradually dulls, I know. I know.
And however fatigued and drained I already am after the months leading up to mum's death and the weeks after her death, I need to toughen up and be prepared.
It's almost been a month since I put her to rest. I miss mum, more and more so, and more and more I feel an emptiness grow and grow inside me... An emptiness like no other that is causing me much grief and to want to withdraw.
After the failed attempt to bike around the island (and the great personal disappointment in failing to realise my dream...) and the emotional journey to mum's hometown, I feel a sudden urge to go see mum (or perhaps let her "see" me...). I want to let her know despite a lot of setback and repressed emotions, I'm hanging on, and that I will be alright. My heart may be heavy, my body may feel so tired and listless, but I will pull through somehow. I know I will.
And I want to mum things that I want her to know, and to ask her questions that only she can answer, even though she is no longer around...
It will be another emotional affair and perhaps painful experience. But as someone reminded me a day or so ago, this is only the "VERY" beginning of losing someone, really losing someone. This is not like losing a friend or losing a lover... This is losing a part of your life, a part that is so fundamental to who you are and how you grew up. The pain and loss will get worse before it gradually, gradually dulls, I know. I know.
And however fatigued and drained I already am after the months leading up to mum's death and the weeks after her death, I need to toughen up and be prepared.
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