Recounting the past...

I knew it would be difficult. And it was. How do you recount in a few words the events of the past four months? How do you find the words to describe all the feelings, frustrations, trials and great fears mum and I have experienced over the period I was away from here?

"It was very difficult," I said, and kept on saying. "Difficult" does not quite begin to describe it, but it is the only word I could find, and the word that I kept on repeating. "It was very difficult..." Difficult. Difficult. Difficult... As if the mere repetition of the word could do justice to how truly, deeply difficult it has really been.

It was the reason why I do not want anyone to know my return here. I need no distractions at the moment. I need peace and quiet to collect myself, to settle back into my home and my comfort zone, to find my footing in life and try to make the most of the limited time I have to study. I need the concentration to do well in the exam, and to prove to myself that however adverse the circumstances have been, I still have the ability to study whenever I find the time, and I still have the ability to do well.

I told only my good friend and neighbour of my return so far. She came by for a quick visit. When she asked how mum is doing, I had to look away and stare into the distance. I could feel my eyes getting heavy with tears. I have not cried, not really cried since I returned. And I can feel the tears are being hidden and distracted by the hundreds of pages I have still to cover before this time next week.

Perhaps she was being polite, but she said mum looked good in the pictures she's seen on facebook. What else can you say? That she looks terrible? That she looks like she lost a terrible amount of weight and that she is just skin and bones? Mum looks as good as she looks now. She is thin, bony, but her mind is clear, and her will is so strong. She is so brave. She is my mum, and I am so proud of her. Because of all that she goes through, I tell myself again and again, there is nothing more difficult, nothing more testing. I motivate myself that way. I keep on going, keep on smiling, keep on laughing and trying to see the bright(er) things of life because of how mum inspires me, touches me, and makes me cry.

Difficult. Difficult. It truly was difficult.

But it, everything that I have seen and experienced, has now become a thing of the past. "What will happen does not matter. One day at a time..."