I could see her with my eyes closed, lying there, in the bed that I made for her a little over a week ago. I hope she still finds the bed, now with the special foam mattress on top, comfortable. Many times when she was not around, I would lie on the bed and close my eyes and imagine that positive and healing energies would pass from my body onto the bed. I fantasises that these energies would stay on the bed and 'bless' mum whenever she lies down, whether to rest, whether to nap or to sleep. I fantasised that she would feel less pain and her body would be more comfortable. How I do wish it were really so!
When I spoke to her yesterday, she said to me she was touched. "I have two children who are both filial. I have nothing to regret about..." She described how brother has been very caring and doing many things for her. He bought her a wheelchair to take her out for walks, he installed supports in the bathroom so mum can hold onto to something, especially as she is now weaker and more prone to falling. And he went to visit mum's friend, whose husband is a Taoist priest, and to whom mum has entrusted to take care of the "after-affairs". "We still have time, so I have to consider finding a place before ..." mum told me.
It has been a long time since she last talked about this. I know we have had this conversation many times before, and before it never really bothered me (though it is always emotional to talk about...). But when mum mentioned it today, I was moved to tears. I was again reminded of the reality of her condition, reminded how close she was just a month or so ago, and perhaps still is, to the end of her journey...
It should not scare me. It should not bother me. But when I talk about it, when I think about, I become moist in my eyes and have difficulty expressing myself. Since my return here a few days ago, I have more or less been burying myself under books and the blanket to overcome my jetlag. So I have had little time to think about or expose my emotions. And I do feel, I can sense that there are raw, painful feelings that are threatening to erupt, and that will erupt soon, somehow...
"I have asked [brother] to go pick up my will. I want to make some changes..." I remember going to the courthouse over a year ago and having it notarised, and how we together walked to the basement of the bank where she has rented a deposit box. I remember placing the will inside the box and thinking to myself that one day when I open it again, circumstances will be different... Now mum cannot even go down to the basement herself because she has difficulty in moving, because just a few steps can cause her body so much pain and discomfort.
It is hard to imagine... So hard to see screensaver pictures that flash across my idle computer to see pictures of mum and I traveling through the Rockies. I know, we had our time, and we lived those times together, we enjoyed those intimate moments together beautifully. I know, I should be grateful we had those moments and that we have those memories to think back to... But it hurts me to just think and know that mum can probably not go out and go so far again like she used to... And if it hurts me, how does it make mum feel, to be 'trapped' in a body that is declining and much of which is no longer hers to control? "The will is there, but the physical strength is not... (力不從心)" she told me several times when I try to walk with her just a short distance. Mum has become so weak... so very weak.
"Happy Mother's Day..." I said again, "You have to eat well, and go out to exercise! This way, you can regain your strength again!" I say that to her often these days, and I repeated it again today. Do I believe what I say, because sometimes I catch a glimpse of cynicism and dark brooding thoughts as those words escape my mouth. Sometimes I feel like I am lying to her, lying to myself. But I truly do wish she could feel better, I truly do wish she can get back on her own feet again and walk around like she used to because she lost so much weight...
Because she has been a wonderful mother, who has given me, given us so much, who has made sacrifices and toiled for so long. And it pains me, pains me so deeply, so powerfully, to see that when she has the time and the means to enjoy life and all the wonderful, beautiful things that this world has to offer, she has lost her health, her body...
Happy Mother's Day, my dear, dear mother. May you be happy and at ease, today and everyday.
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I made a little donation on behalf of mum today, to World Vision, a charity that she supports. She does not know it, but it was for a "Pre/postnatal Care for Mother and Child", which is a very appropiate 'gift' in her name. And for a limited time, my donation is matched by a generous donor, so it will be double the impact!
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