It was a tough struggle falling asleep. I arrived at my ex's apartment few hours earlier. It was all fine before bed, just talking and catching up on each others' day and events. But topics were avoided, deliberately. I mentioned few details when he asked about my mum, even though one of the reason why I lay there unable to sleep, and at one point even tearing, was because of the conversation I had with her last night. I was covered using the blanket my mum had given my ex on his birthday, the same one my mum was using when I left her a few weeks back... Having the blanket around me felt especially sentimental and sad...
At bedtime I curled up the sofa. My ex came and asked if I wanted to sleep next to him. I did, I had fantasised about doing that, because it's so wonderful, so safe and comforting sleeping next to him ( or is it just next to someone? Anyone?), but I stood firm. I stood (actually lay...) firm even though he dropped a comment: "There'd be no funny business, I promise..." I thought to myself: "you make a lot of promises. I can't really trust you. Who can?"
I lay there awake for a while. I know he was awake, but I kept on hearing him move around in his bed. It felt so strange for me to sleep on the sofa, and I'm pretty sure he felt the same, and probably was also lying in bed wondering why I'm here and he's there.
I lay there, looked around me in the darkness of the night, and could still see the objects his boyfriend gave him here and there around the room. My resolve stay where I was, despite my lust telling me otherwise, grew more determined.
I dreamed. We were at a busy place, a restaurant of some sort with lots of our friends around. I was rushing around, trying to keep up with my ex who stomped around angrily for some reason. At one point he turned to me and shouted at me: "I'm so tired of you! And for your information, he has a journal too, and I've read it. It's so much of better read than your depressing blog!" This very blog was what he was referring to.
My ex stormed off. I found myself in he middle of the crowd, stunned and hurt speechless. How could say such a thing? How can he hurt me again so terribly and so meanly?
There was a commotion, and a whole bunch of people, a while family, arrived and were preparing to sit down for dinner. I had somehow the knowledge it was him, my ex's boyfriend. I grew more apprehensive as I waited to see him, to talk to him for the first time...
So many people passed us by, and eventually my ex's boyfriend appeared. He was much shorter than I expected, and looked so young, but sweet looking. Out of nowhere my ex appeared and they kissed in public. My heart ached so terribly. Somehow at this point I had realised it was a wedding... Their wedding.
My ex disappeared again. I walked up to his boyfriend/fiancé, and introduced myself. He was nice talking to me, even though there was some awkwardness. The fiancé meeting the former great love of his husband-to-be.
We spoke civilly, no harsh words were exchanged, and he did seem like a good guy. At one point I said: "I just want to tell you that he [my ex] can be a complicated person," at which point his fiancé smiled and nodded, "but you deserve one another, and I wish you both all the best. Please take good care of him..." I started to breakdown and cry, and I ran.
I encountered my dad. He was stumbling around the crowded place like zombie. I tries talking to him, but he did not respond. He had a dazed look on his face, and he looked in such a sorry sight, so unkempt and lost psychologically.
I saw my ex approaching fast, and I walked up next to him. He looked happy, was smiling beautifully until I walked up to him. His smile suddenly turned to a sour and angry face as I approached.
Angrily and impatiently he asked what I wanted. He said: "I'm not happy! I'm so tired of you! And for your information, he has a journal too, and I've read it. It's so much of better read than your depressing blog!"
I was in tears, but managed to utter something.
I woke up
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