P.S....

I saw only  a little bit of the movie, but I could not continue watching it. I stopped at the scene where the recent widow receives a package containing the voice recording from her late husband. He recorded a message, knowing that he was going to die from his brain tumour. He wanted to surprise her, to make sure she continues living even after he is no longer around... He wants her to be happy, to find herself, to laugh and smile and dance and to move on, to live the life he could not...

And that was enough to make my eyes tear. Already fragile, for some reason I have been this way for the last week or so, I could not bear to watch the movie again, even though it is such a beautiful and moving movie. The topic is very personal... cancer, losing a loved one, and also losing the love of your life. The grief, the pain, the void left behind must be so immense, so very intense...

I remember when I watched it last, I thought to myself, if I were to be in a long and committed relationship, I would like to be the one to leave first... Because from experience I know I have great, great difficulty dealing with loss. Loss not just in terms of a person who disapears from this world forever, but also loss of a loved one who for one reason or another is no longer, or can no longer, be part of your life... Loss and grief are such powerful, overwhelming emotions that I just at times cannot grapple with...

I would like to be the one to go first, and I imagine, just like the deceased husband, I would make preparations for my loved one(s) if I knew my day was coming soon. I know I can be good at making secret plans, good at leaving notes and personal messages behind for people to discover. Because it touches me and makes me smile to know, to think, that someone will discover my little note or personal message and be warmed by the discovery and by what I have written. I touches me deeply to be able to touch people, somehow, in my own little ways.

And I hope my words, perhaps even my voice, or the small things that I leave behind, will continue to reassure my loved one(s) of  my love, my eternal care for them, even after I am gone...