Results?

I was so tired this evening that even as I was eating dinner, and watching an episode of the Simpsons online, my eyes were closing. I tried as much as I could to stay awake, but the longest I could drag it out before I dragged myself to bed was a little after quarter past eight at night...

Earlier, the noise of my roommate returning home, arranging her groceries and cooking did not really wake me, or keep me awake. But suddenly, close to midnight I woke up, and had difficulty falling asleep again.  I think something else within my body woke me up, like an automatic alarm set to wake up before some important event.

The long awaited results from mum's complete body scan will be revealed today. It was supposed to be Monday, but she postponed the appointment till today because she was doing chemo on that day. I called her just now, feeling a bit apprehensive as the ring tone sounded over the speakers of the computer. I was wondering to myself what to say, how to react to the news, even though I was not sure what kind of news it would be...

Somehow, there is a nascent fear that the results will reveal something very negative. I guess my primary worry is mum's response to the results, especially now that I am gone. If I were there, at least I could physically support her, console her, and make her feel at ease somehow, for it is very easy to descend into depression and wallow in the pains of inacceptance and disbelief, especially something as important as these results are revealed.

Mum was still waiting for her turn when I called. so she sounded 'normal'.

 But I wonder how she will feel after she walks out of that appointment room, and walks home alone... The best I could offer were two words "good luck" (加油), even though it sounded out of place. The results, whatever they will be, are the results. "Good luck" will not change them and make them any better. It all depends on how you respond to the results, and whether you will let the results influence the way you feel and think.