Letter to dad

Just spent the last couple of hours glued (almost) constantly to my seat and writing a letter to my dad.

I've been wanting to do this a while, ever since I promised myself two years ago that every year around the time of his anniversary, I would write to him, and 'send' it to him when we hold the ceremony of worshipping foods and burning paper money. Maybe it's more self-therapy than anything... and if he is no longer '(t)here', he may not even be able to read what I have to write and say. But still, I find it's something important to do, and I guess that is enough. Many things in life don't require a real justification or reasoning...

So far, it's over a page long... mostly containing descriptions of how I've been feeling these days. Down and distraught and caught between options, opportunities and the great unknowns. The health and life of my mum figures greatly in the letter, as well as concerns and this wandering heart of mine that seems always longing for sanctuary, care, and human intimacy.

Strangely, compared to last year, I did not feel too emotional, and did not have not stop halfway through to wipe my tears. I just wrote, as if dad would understand if he read it, and as if he could answer some of my hopes and anxieties.

Two more weeks till the anniversary, and the letter looks complete. But I feel maybe there are things I want to add.

Just unsure what.