"Not much better"

My cousin and his wife arrived Friday, and I've been showing them around a bit. Mostly doing and seeing things I've done and seen before, but I enjoy it when people come and visit. I like it to take people around, give guides and insight and make people's time as enjoyable as possible. And we had a great time and lots of fun together.


Like all things, all's not so fine and dandy...

I've been suspecting it for a while, but my cousin and his wife confirmed it. I know that my dad's health is not looking good, but it turns out that my mum's health " is not much better". They wouldn't say what it is exactly (since they think my mum should be the one to tell me), but it's supposed similar to what my dad is suffering from, which is (liver) cancer.

I'm not sure whether to describe it as a surprise or a shock...I think more the former, since my mum has always lived a 'healthy' and balanced life. Sometime ago my mum did mention that she had to go into hospital to "remove a lump". My cousin and wife did say the condition is stable now, much it is with my dad, but you never know with cancer. You can remove the infected cells, you can do chemo, and get rid of all the symptoms...but then you can never cure the cause. They urged me to go visit them whenever I have the chance, otherwise .......

I spoke to mum today, and asked about her health. It wasn't confrontational, like "what cancer do you have?"; but more subtle, like "how's your health nowadays?" She didn't say much, and there seemed to be a little silence before she said that it's fine (or perhaps I imagined it?), and that she's doing well. I don't want to force it out of her, since I want her to tell me in her own time, and when she's comfortable with it. I can understand why she's not saying anything...because she doesn't want me to worry too much, since, knowing me, I worry a lot.

But one thing that does bother me a bit is why they (my dad included) think that they need to 'hide' it from us. I mean, I must know sooner or later, and I'd prefer sooner. In a way, it hurts more than the surprise of knowing that they are so ill. Before I hung up the phone I told her to take care, and deep inside I meant it more than I've ever meant it before.

She also said that things are well at her work, and that her new job is less demanding and that her colleagues are friendly and helpful. And that she gets to see the sea every day at dawn and dusk on her way to work. That's good, I said, since it's an escape, if only a temporary one from the tensions and state of 'cold war' at home with my dad. I told her, quite frankly, and for the nth time, that it's not good for either of them to live in conditions like that; not good for their wellbeing, and for their healths. In my mind I thought that perhaps the depressing mood at home for the last couple of years, and now their lives apart under one roof may have a lot to do with their deterioting conditions of health.

I'm not sure how the news has affected me till now, since the past few days I've had little 'alone time' and been really tired from all the travelling. Though when I lie in bed at night and when I wake up in the morning, for a few moments my thoughts go out to my mum and dad...good thoughts, compassionate thoughts. I know it won't cure them or change them dramatically, but it gives hope.

And now I 'know', I guess I'll need to 'prepare' myself. Change my outlook on life, and perhaps even expect the worse.

That's the problem I guess: most people think death doesn't come early or can be postponed, and that death is only for the 'old', untill they hear or strike something like a serious illness. But, I guess, death is always just around a corner, though we don't know which one until we turn.