In the movie Interstellar, a father trapped in another dimension, another realm of existence, frantically tries to get the message across the universe to his dear, beloved daughter that he is still around, still living her, still caring and thinking about her from afar. For the longest time, she faced his departure when she was still so young with anger, disbelief and resentment.
Why did the dearest person in a child's life have to go...? Why did a child's hero, guardian angel and confidante have to be so cruelly plucked away...? As she grew older, slowly she began to see there is a reason for everything. Every word, every sign, every encounter and thought, every intuition and fear has a meaning. Slowly the pieces and bits of life come together and begin to somehow make sense. Slowly, somehow the memories of days passed, the premonitions of the future to come, and the present here and now all merge like streams flowing into the boundless ocean of existence.
The father's been gone a long, long time, and for most he might as well be dead. But love does not die, does it? A long, long time is nothing to love. Love knows no time, no space, no boundaries. It is so powerful its strength cannot be measured, quantified or captured by years, equations or words. Love transcends and pervades all that we can ever know, and much, much more, in the universe. Love is when you catch yourself so tenderly clutching onto a cup the long lost loved one once drank out of. Love is in that smile when you retrace the footsteps left behind in a familiar place at a different time. Love is in the smell of items of clothing long not worn, in that warm thought triggered by the sight of a momento, in the yellowing pages of a photo album which are now stored awei in boxes and in the depths of your memory. Love is expressed in those tears that well up when close your eyes and feel this aching longing flood and choke your insides...
Sometimes, I imagine mum (and dad) have gone on a journey. I said goodbye to mum three years to the day now. I left her a little note telling her to be well and to journey forth steadily. I promised her I would live well and make her and dad proud...
Though gone a long , long time, they are still around, thinking of me, just as I think of them, loving and caring about me, just as I love and care about them from a realm I cannot fathom, cannot see. It seems so much easier to think this wei, easier because how else can you escape that deep, deep void, which, like a black hole sucks seems to consume everything, even time and space and the light of youth and life?
Mum's not really gone but have just left this world, one that in my mind is infinitely better. She graduated, left this state of being, this life of suffering, greed and delusion, and is now in a better place free from pain, free from anguish and sorrow and the afflictions of being human.
How do I know if she is alright...? How do I find her again...?
She lives in me, through me, and for as long as I live, her existence and memoriesand memories of her, may fade with time but will never cease.
The last time I gazed at the sea was a week or so earlier, the tranquil Pacific which is now the backyard of my parents' final resting place. How pensive, saddened by the memories of anniversary I was that day, and how calm inside I was today. The ferocious sea below contrasted greatly with that strange calm and rare glimpse of contentment I felt inside. The world, finally, felt at ease, at peace, after seemingly countless years filled with upheaval, uncertainty and losses. For once, again in that rare moment when things just felt alright, I realised the meaning of how the world is only so much, nothing less, nothing more. Sorrow is only so much, joy is only so much. Life is only so much, and death, death at the end of the day, and with the passage of time, is really only so much.
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