Prayers...

I cannot explain why... Standing in front of mum's and dad's memorials, my eyes moistened. And I could not stop crying...

I turned away so that I am not seen.

I could not stop crying.

I could not stop the heartwrenching, throatchoking, trembling emotions trigerred by this deep, deep sense of pain and loss. I could not bear the void I felt inside...

My brother held his son and approached mum's memorial. My nephew giggled and  called out "A-ma", Taiwanese cor grandmother, almost as soon as he saw mum's picture. He said "miao-mi", meaning cat, because on one picture, there's a cat resting on my mum's shoulder, a picture taken in southern France in a remote village. Everyone laughed, I smiled.

But despite the smile, I felt so empty inside. I am again here on my own, not in the sense that I am alone, but in the sense I really have no one I can share my deepest feelings and desires with. Coming to see mum and dad on my thirtieth birthday underlined that sense of isolation and loneliness, that sense of abandonment and longing for a family of my own.

I wiped my tears, but they kept on coming. Uncontrollable, powerful and so laden with longing and memories. The emotions were so unexpected, so wild, just like the pouring rain and winds outside and the crashing and violent waves on the Pacific on this day...

I miss you so much, mum, dad....