Sleeplessness

I sleep, but I wake up three or four hours later. I don't think it's the jet lag, for during the day I can go about working and spending time with my little nephew. It's a guilty conscience, I believe, it's the knowledge that I have "blood on my hands", this "damned spot" that doesnt wash off...

It's the knowledge that I killed some creature I loved so much and who placed her trust and her wellbeing in me, in us. And at the same I think to myself, rationally speaking, it's a cat! Just a furry cat!

Kitty's bowl and toys have not been touched, the grass that was grown for her is now ripe to eat. As I was paacking yesterday, my brother asked if I wanted to take some of her things with me back to canada. "I have no need for them anymore now that Kitty's gone..." Another sad silence descended on us all. They have no intention of adopting another cat,  at least not until the kid asks for one. It's too sad, my sister in law said. She sobbed while Kitty lay in my lap and slowly drifted away with her tongue half sticking out. " Too difficult to bear..."
And now I'm taking her toys from her to give to my other cat. Is that a cruel or ironic twist? It is not made easier when my nephew points to the food and water bowl at times and says "Kitty... Kitty?" He frowns and says "oh, oh..." when he does that .

Last night, the crematorium sent us a letter. Kitty was cremated officially on the night we brought her in. Too soon, especially according to my tradition of keeping the remains till an auspicious day, or at least till a week or two later. I now have the "duty" to include this in my annual letter to my mum/parents; she would be devastated, as she cared for that cat so much... Or maybe they are together now...

Merciful killing or guilty murderer?
I cannot help but think back that I authorised and paid for the needle to be put into her... How she struggled to crawl away when the first needle didn't take effect... How she looked at me with petrified eyes as she tried to crawl but her legs had gone limp... And then the vet gave her another shot, by which time she was on my lap... And another shot to make sure the job is really done. To make sure she's really asleep. Permanently asleep... It is exepriencjng this that I realise how really cruel and inhumane capital punishment is.

My karma bank has taken another large withdrawal... And again my conscience, my mind, my soul, my very being cannot sleep and am feeling so tortured by this "damned spot"...