Departure

At brother's urging, I opened his door ever so quietely, and  saw him lying in his front with his little body half wrapped with the Peter Rabbit blanket that mum once gave him (I remember how excited mum was when she bought that, for it was on the same day sometime in October 2011, when I suprised visited her... She showed it to  me proudly along with some clothes she had bought for the then new born...). 

I watched his sleep a while, his little body, his little head with so much hair, his tiny arms... He is so beautiful, as well as cute. He reminds me of the little me, the way he's so cunning and curious, and he reminds me of my brother, the way he looks and how he has a stubborn side (maybe that's me too...). I wanted to kiss him goodbye,  to brush my hand through his soft hair again, but I let him sleep, and quietly closed the door behind me. 

Will he look for me when he gets up, the way he's been looking  for Kitty since she "left"? Though it's only been five days, it's as if we have become the best of friends, and he clings onto me  almost every moment he is awake. I love how he reaches to grab my hand while we walk side by side, how he hugs my leg-- something i used to do with mum a lot...  It's endearing to be wanted and sought after so much. every other sentence of babble there's a "su-su" (叔叔, meaning uncle). Apparently he points to my picture that's placed over my brothers computer, and he recognises me. He follows me wherever I go, even to the washroom or my bedroom and stands around while I try to work. He's such a happy child, and any little thing can send him laughing, roaring with laughter, and in turn major everyone else laugh.

I'll miss  you little buddy...

Once downstairs, my sisterinlaw was already in the kitchen frying eggs and making breakfast. Moments later she handed me a egg and cheese sandwich for on the road. I was very touched. In those few moments, I felt that feeling I have been longing for for so long... A sense of belonging, a sense of family and care. Feelings and emotions  I have long missed and longed for...

I packed the last few items into my suitcase, and let the daddy and baby bears hug one another goodbye. They were both gifts from the ex, and the big bellied daddy bear was with mum for almost two years before she passed. I gave the bear to my nephew, seeing as he developed a fondness of the bear. till this day, he still hugs the bear, and has stopped biting him, at least not as much, on the nose when his teeth were sprouting.

I looked at Kitty's bowl again, and imagined she was there. Of course she wasn't. Every morning, her  routine would be to hang around her food and water bowls and look at us walk around preparing breakfast or going about our  morning  routine. She would miauw and wait patiently to be fed, often sitting or crouching there elegantly like the beautiful cat that she is. But she is gone now, and that the emptiness of that space, of that furry being, can never be filled...

I hugged my sister-in-law and thanked her again for everything over the past few days. I told her to take good care, and expressed empathy for the fact it must bd such a handful at times with my nephew being so cunning and so playful. 

Her last words to me were to take good care and not to think too much. "Something you cannot force or hurry," she said. Was she alluding to the job hunt that I have yet to begin, the thing that my brother lectured me on for what seemed like ages... Or was she alluding to what I said the night before, almost in tears, telling my brother how lonely I am and that he forgets what it is to go home and be alone (albeit I have a cat...)

later in the car on the way to the airport, I told my brother how happy the child looks, and how he as a father has such an important role to play in giving the kid a stable home and environment. "Remember our parents, how they used to argue and stuff..." I said a peaceful and happy home is so important for the development of a child, and encouraged him to do more around the house. "It's sharing the burdens..." I said, it's the modern family, at least ny conception of it, and the way I'd love to have

later in the car on the way to the airport, I told my brother how happy the child looks, and how he as a father has such an important role to play in giving the kid a stable home and environment. "Remember our parents, how they used to argue and stuff..." I said a peaceful and happy home is so important for the development of a child, and encouraged him to do more around the house. "It's sharing the burdens..." I said, it's the modern family, at least my conception of it, and the way I'd love to have