12 September

Already half of September almost gone. Over three quarters of the year already gone by. Early autumn storms and heavy rains are settling in. Te humidity is unbearable and oppressive. 

I don't know why my sleep has been so disturbed, why my mind has been so agitated and uneasy. It's been going on for weeks now. I forget when I managed to sleep well, when I didn't feel tired or this gnawing sense of insecurity and unhappiness deep down. There's a great discontent brewing inside, a great deal of struggle trying to find purpose and sense of belonging in the place I am now and the people I am surrounded by. 

Again I find myself going into "splendid isolation" mode, in which I do not wish to talk to anyone and have so little desire to be around anyone. That triggered a compliant from someone (actually the ex...) who wondered out loud whether we would ever speak if he didn't call me every night. We probably wouldn't. If only he understood why. If only he knew and understood how deeply I am still affected by the fact I have no one I can trust, no one I can lean on, no one I can confide in in life. This comes only when you lose everyone and everything of significance in your life. And who among the people I know has really gone through that? Who? Who??

I am not bitter or jealous of others. I just now am so tired of trying to make people understand or see. If they cannot understand or see, or perhaps do not care to understand and see, after so long how or why I am still so tired and so "shell shocked", then frankly I do not need such people in my life. Is it a harsh attitude? Is it digging my own early grave filled with loneliness and isolation? No. At least I don't think so. I am just tired. Tired of trying to make the world and people understand, tired of trying to fit in and smile and play the happy fool. Tired of role playing, tired of the petty  gossip and  hypocrisy people play at the office and in the circle of friends I have. 

 I am world-wary, life-wary... in a way that is shocking and scary because it seems to me to matter so little whether I am alive. It shows in the willful self neglect I am subjecting myself to. It shows in the mess my house is in, and how after almost two weeks since my last trip, I still have not unpacked my bags. It shows in the bad food I eat to sustain my body and life. I shows in the way I choose to stay out of the way and quiet. 

All I know how to react is to remain silent. All I know how to interact with others is to say nothing, to pretend as if nothing is wrong, as if all if fine. The less I say, the less I am exposed and vulnerable, the less I need to explain myself or justify why I behave the way I do. 

I want to be left alone. 

Yet at the same time I am so lonely and yearn for human contact, company and understanding it aches inside so much. 

Loss and changed me so. 

Losing my parents have left me so torn and bitter, has thrown me into a depths of depression and pain I cannot climb out of. 

I once had hope, I once dreamed of better days ahead, I once was promised better days ahead. 

But now I am just tired. Tired and wary of the world and it's people. Tired and so empty of love and joy and appreciation. 

It scares me. It scares me greatly I have become this way. It scares me greatly I can be walking in the street and feel like a ghost, and feel so detached I have on several occasions had close brushes with accidents or even death.