Crying...

Mum lay on her bed, curled up in a fetal position and started to weep...
How painful that was to witness... how very, very painful... Why is it that I have not cried, really cried, and yet people around me are crying...?

"Please don't cry..." I pleaded, but in vain. I had to swallow so hard to stop myself from weeping. She was hurting, ridden with guilt and regret. I'm too good to her, she says. She is taking too much of my time, and she feels so very guilty that I have had to put everything on hold again just to rush home to be with her, to take care of her.


But I tell her again and again, I would do nothing else. I would have it no other way... My studies can wait, my law exams can be postponed, my career can be delayed, my hope of pursuing happiness and meeting someone special I can settle down with can all be set aside. Right now, what is important is to see to it that mum recovers and is well enough to be on her own...

And yet she feels so ashamed... Is it me staying with her day and night to keep her company and watch over her safety? Is it me bringing her food and fresh fruits and making sure she eats well? Is it the massages I give her to make sure she is not sore from lying down too long? Or is it how I have been holding her arm as she slowly, slowly learns to walk steady again? She tells me she feels so terribly guilty that much of the burden has fallen on my shoulders. Even though my brother is also home, he has a wife and child, and can spare only an hour or three a day to be with her, whereas I am there almost constantly day in, day out...

I do it for her because she is my mother...  And I know I would do it for anyone who is so dear to my heart, who is so dear to my life, out of love, unconditional love, and care... How much can you love someone that you are willing to give yourself fully and not ask for anything in return...? How much can you care about someone and that you would do anything in the hope the person will get better one day? Not enough... Nothing is ever enough if you love someone, care about someone so very, very deeply...

I can only imagine why she is crying... She has always been such a strong and independent woman, who worked, who raised two children, who ran the household and took care of a husband and a family... and now, struck down by illness, unable to stand for long, unable to walk far, bed-bound for much of the day, tired after doing simple chores, and dependent on others to provide her with support and bring her food...

How that must affect a person's spirit, how that much injure someone's pride... my dear, brave mother's pride...

But I tell her she is getting better. Her walk is more steady now. Even today, her rehabilitation teacher said he was impressed how he could power walk for almost ten minutes without tripping or stumbling. And she can cycle 6.7km within twenty minutes, up from only around 4km just last week. That is progress, despite the sweating, despite the hardwork, the determination, there is visible progress.

Should I stop being so caring? Should I stop bringing her food and just let her order take out meals? Should I just stay away from the hospital and leave her lying there and count the days remaining till she can be discharged from hospital? What is a few days and nights spent at the hospital compared to everything she has ever done for me growing up?

I hugged mum tightly to stop her crying. "I will go," I said, and packed my bags to leave for the night, "But only if you stop crying..."

And she did. And I left. It was already past nine in the evening.