Leaving

I'm taking a trip, the first trip away from home ever since I arrived back home three weeks ago. It's been a physically tiring and mentally very challenging three weeks, filled with intense moments, hospital visits, and watching, watching mum in pain but being unable to do anything about it. Do you know what it does to the soul? It kills it slowly...

There have been moments where I feel like I'm going to burst open from frustration and pent up emotions. There have been moments where I feel the life and energy being sapped out of me. Seeing mum like this, in pain, unable to eat much, fearing that she will lose more weight, really drains me. Drains me to an extent which makes me wonder how much there is inside of me to give, how much more can I give in terms of care and compassion and love before I am left with nothing? A part of me fears that with time, I will lose my humanity, lose my ability to care and to love, because the frustrations and the impatience will have gotten ahold of me, and overshadowed my  intentions to want to help, my willingness to care.

It has been unimaginably tiring and challenging. and I need some time away and alone to settle down and collect myself. I need to get away for a few days, even though I'm worried mum will stop eating and stop taking care of her diet when I am away. Today, even though she said her throat feels a bit better, she only ate half a bowl of rice for lunch and dinner. That's simply not enough, but she said she simply cannot eat anymore...

I need to get away for a few days, to a place where I can find peace of mind and calmly meditate (even though I know, peace of mind and a place to meditate can be everwhere and anywhere...). It will do me good, and do mum good too, because I think being in a confined space so long is really getting to both of us. And we still have a long trip and long time together if we are to go abroad coming Friday.

Back in a few days...