Two days over the weekend without the radiotherapy, and mum's throat ache seems to be slowly, slowly subsiding. It still hurts a lot when she swallows, to the extent that sometimes I can see beads of sweat trickle down her forehead, but at least it is a sign that, perhaps, when the treatment stops completely in three days, she will gradually recover.
The weekend has been time for her to recover and rest, and as usual every meal I try to encourage her to eat as much as possible and eat as balanced a diet as possible. It has come to the point where, like a parent watching the small child eat and finish the meal, I clap and congratulate mum whenever she finishes what I put on the table. Truly, that sense of joy that she can finish something, even if with a lot of effort and pain, is immense.
Over lunch today, we talked a bit about my future life and plans. "It's been so unstable," I said, "The last three years or so..." It was not a complaint, more an observation, especially when I look back and realise how many times and how frequent I have been shuttling back and forth between here and Canada just to spend time with mum. I cannot blame her, or the circumstances that made my life this way. But I admitted that I am really tired, and frustrated that a lot of my plans have been put on hold, whereas I really feel like I want to accomplish something real soon. My thesis... my bar exams... finding a job and having a stable income... settling down somewhere without having to look at a suitcase every two, three months.
Mum understood, and said she felt responsible. But by no means did I want her to feel that way. "With the treatment almost over" I said, "And with the planned trip about to take place, I really hope it will all do you good." Traveling has always done wonders for mum's health, for it is when she is traveling and seeing the world that she forgets completely about her illness and her condition. A change of heart, a change of scenery and a change of the way the mind thinks and sees can go a long way to keeping the illness at bay, or at least under control. And that is the hope... that for some time, her condition can be stable, and that I will be able to focus on what I would like to accomplish, focus on living my life. Mum understood what I wanted to say, and she agreed, for as she always has said, I should not be too preoccupied with her health.
I know it is premature to think about going back home and making something out of myself, because no one knows what the future really holds. Perhaps it is even selfish to want to eagerly get back to my own life, while it is not known what will happen to mum in the coming period. Perhaps, taking care and being there for others is my duty in life. But I do often feel like I could do so much more, I feel I could use my talents and potentials to create something for myself and for the benefit of others, whereas the past couple of years have been a rough, stalling period that seem to pass by slowly, with many days spent worrying and agonising over her condition...
We shall see what the future brings... but deep inside I am anxious and eager to work and live.
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