Sleepless at AMS

I should sleep, but I can’t. Perhaps I’m too excited, irritated or sad by the dramatic events earlier this evening. I can only lie awake on the comfy bed, with mum slightly snoring by my side, and see all these thoughts and images run through my head…

It’s been a long time since I have become sad prior to leaving. But this time, as I lie next to the silhouette of my mum, I cannot but feel sorry for her… sorry for what she has had to go through, what she has had to experience, and most of all, because of whom she has bear all this disappointment and hurt. So sorry that I feel the corners of my eyes moisten at the thought…

I lie awake, and she is already fast asleep. I sure hope she can rest well and wake up refreshed in the morning. But I do wonder… what originally was a trip for her to recuperate from her chemo turned into an experience of great mental trauma and emotional upset. How many cancerous cells have been multiplying since…? How many cancerous cells are now feeding on her sadness and deep heartache…? Is her cancer index again through the roof, like last time when brother tormented her emotionally about funding his renovations?

“I will never come here again…” she said earlier as I journeyed to the airport. Maybe she said it because of her deep disappointment at my brother’s behaviour… but maybe, just maybe, deep down inside she knows that this may be the time that she has the chance to visit the Netherlands.

And what a memorable time it has been…