Push and pull

Sometimes, people need to be pushed, or pulled. Or in my case, push and pulled.

It's tough having to grow up many years without family there to support you and encourage you in what you do, but then you learn to find substitutes for love and care in life in yourself, and others. Up till now, I've more or less been going my way on my own. It takes courage, and hard-work, and dedication I guess. But after a while you loose that and begin to slow down, like I seem to be in the last few months....

And out of nowhere a friend appears. To push and pull you, to confront you with your fears and anxieties, to look through you and see the real you, to criticise you when you're weak and not assertive enough, and then to praise you and tell you what an amazing person you are, and how much more you can do with life. It's rare, it's unique, but these friends do exist.

So imagine how surprised I am to have stumbled across one. I don't make friends easily, and I guess I choose them... or they choose me. But either way, my friends are more than people you say 'Hi... bye...' to, but people who you can really talk to and who can touch you.

We've been doing almost everything together for the past few weeks since she moved into my city... studying, working, cycling, going to the movies, cooking... it's really like a relationship, but without the sex! And I treasure it a lot, and the feeling is mutual. She and I just have much in common, and can really understand one another's problems and worries, and are there for one another when the need arises.

I like to compare friends (real friends) to mirrors... they are people who reflect you, who you are, and actually also who you want to be. She's really been like a really polished mirror that's been reflecting not just my present, but also my past and also giving me images of the possibilities of the future.

She can tell I'm confused, lost, and struggling to find who I am and what I want. Not many people (if at all any) see that. And I guess I've known it a while, but she told me straight and clearly: I need change.

We talked almost an entire evening about this, and I was so touched and emotional by what she's trying to do to help me help myself. At one point I asked her very bluntly: "Why are you being so nice?"

It's not that I think she has a motive or anything. It's just not many people have been so nice and encouraging to me, or at least not in a long, long while. And she answered simply:
"Because you're a good person".

I am....... ?

And because I deserve so much more than what I have. I deserve the happiness, the opportunities and the chances to really show the world what I am capable of. I need to change, and I need change to change! For that, I really need to just start life fresh somewhere, pursue my dreams and hopes, and take risks if I have to. Sometimes it's when you are really far, far away from your current life that you finally realise who you are, and where you want to go. Sometimes you're stuck in the same place with the same people for so long that you begin to loose who you are and what you want. And that's what's happening now.

There are things that I'm looking into now... plans and ideas that may or may not be realised. I've been browsing some websites, and looking at the possibilities, and I realise there is such a big big world out there waiting for me, and I really don't have to be in this place and stuck with these people who are limiting me and keeping me down when I want to go up.

I'll not reveal anything at the moment because things are still in that fragile stage and I myself don't really know what may or may not happen. But from my friend I got a lot of advice, and she's really willing to help and support me all the way.

Thanks to you, my friend.... thanks to you.
You know who you are, my dear friend.

And to you I am grateful.