Colours of the Rainbow

It started with a new belt I bought last week, one with the patterns of the rainbow flag on.
Of course, it must have started much earlier, as mums have a sort of intuition for the 'ins and (very much) outs' of their own sons.

As I was putting on the belt this morning before going out, mum commented that she didn't really like the belt, and suggested I put on something else. I said I really like this belt, and she responded by asking what's so nice and special about it. I replied that it's the pattern, and sneakishly added that the pattern "says a lot".

Before my parents arrived, I sort of had this urge to 'come out' clean to them about my sexuality, and have been really searching for an appropiate moment to do so that wouldn't be so... dramatic. We've had enough drama already in the last few days. I more or less knew that mum would be the one I'd tell first, and dad would have to wait, if ever!, since he's more 'old fashioned and traditional'.

There was a chance last week, when I went to attend that posh event at the Peace Palace wearing a pink tie. Dad said that it looked "gay", but because the day earlier the others had just had a great big confrontation, I didn't make too much of it. I only replied: "So what if it looks gay? Gays are people too."

This morning, it was just my mum and me, so I pushed my chances a little more. After my sneaky comment that the belt "says a lot", my mum sighed a little, and said: "That's what I'm afraid of. I know it's a rainbow flag."

"Oh... does that matter?"

"I'm afraid you have that tendency. And you have that Brokeback Mountain poster in you room, I'm really afraid you have those feelings."

"HA! Tendency, smendency!" I scoffed.

"Well, you sort of told me sometime ago, and it made me really worry about you."

"What's there to worry about? I'm fine! There's nothing wrong with me at all!"

"But you have that tendency, and I'm afraid you are."

"It's not a tendency. It's natural. It's nature, it's nurture, it's everything and nobody knows how to explain it. I'm just who I am," I said firmly.

"I'm afraid you've fallen into that 'trap'." By now we were on our way to a park for a walk since the weather was so fine.

"Trap! I'm already so deep in there's no escape," I joked, thinking what a ridiculous use of word it was, and laughing inside.

"I really don't wish you'll be like that."

"Why? What if I am already?"

"Why, you ask? Because I'll be disappointed. I'll be very, very upset." Mum shook her head a little and looked into the distance.

"But what can I do about it? I am who I am, there's nothing wrong with me." I looked at her, and nudged her a little on the shoulder. "I mean see it from a Buddhist perspective. Who knows what or who I was in my past life, and this is just who I am now. I can't change it."

"Those sunglasses I gave you [a few days ago], I think I should take them back. I think over the years I've given you things to use and wear that are feminine, and so that may be the reason."

I laughed a little. "This has nothing to do with that! Fine, you can take back the sunglasses, but I'll still be who I am. There are a lot of reasons, like I said, and it has nothing to do with clothing"

"You know I've always wanted you to find someone and be happy with. To have someone to share life with..." she said quietly.

"And I can! And I want to, with someone I care about and love. A person I want to be with."

"Do you have someone now?"

"No... who do I have in my life? Noone. But I really want one," I said, looking around at the empty park I often go alone on my own, "I come here often and feel so very lonely. You know, I'm so 'old' already, and I shouldn't have to worry about how you and dad are getting along, I shouldn't have to be in the middle of brother and his girlfriend's relationship. I could just go and get a life of my own with someone, but no... I care too much about you people, and care too little for what I want..."

Mum didn't say much after that. We sat on a bench in the park, bare rose bushes and green, green grass and an expanse of water waving in the wind stretched before us. Seagulls flew overhead, as crows fluttered their wings. There was a light breeze in the air, and the sun shone on our faces. "I want everyone to be happy... but I need to be happy too."


We didn't touch upon the subject any more after that, and mum didn't react angrily or become more distant toward me. Like I said, she suspected already, and there have been hints here and there I've been throwing at her over the years, and now it's finally (come) out into the open. For the rest of the day we talked and walked around like the close mum and son we are, admiring the little spring crocuses that dotted the grass fields, even in the hustle and bustle of the city centre.


Little spring crocuses that were so colourful, beautiful and free with their buds freshly opened.