In tears

Again woke up to dad's terrible tantrums and abuse. Now he wants to sell the house we're living in, divorce, and cut off all relations with everyone in the family. He says we're all worthless and "vermin"... even me.

I quietly sat there at the breakfast table and listened to him throw a(nother) tantrum, feeling another day ruined, and my heart break again and again. I simply replied that he can do what he wants, do what he feels like... he can disown me and divorce mum, but he will be an old, bitterly lonely man... he can have his money, he can have his houses, but he will have nobody in this great big world, not even the family he rejects... he can have his anger, he can have his hatred and misunderstandings and he can feel like everyone has done him so much wrong... but he will still be ill and suffer for as long as he lives.

I said those words not out of hatred, but out of hurt and disappointment. I know that perhaps all what he said and ranted and raved about were words that just came up in the heat of the moment...I know that because he is physically very ill and suffering, he cannot but lash out verbally... And I know that he will be gone next week, and things will go back to normal again I emphasise with him, because when you are frail and terminally ill, you become scared and will see everything and everone as wrong and as the cause of your pains... Perhaps I should hav kept my thoughts to myself, and just let my dad rant and rave like a mad man... but, wrongly or not, I felt he needed to hear the 'truth', and needed to hear that he is hurting everyone, and most of all, he is hurting himself.

So I told him, calmly and very frankly, that I pity him. I pity him because he is so terminally sick in terms of his health and state of mind that he cannot let go of all this anger and hatred and suffering that makes him even more ill than he already is. I told him I have compassion for him, because he is so frail and weak already, but pretends that he knows everything and doesn't need anyone else, because everyone is wrong, and everyone is doing wrong to him. He threw up his arms in a sign of victory, and said he is very happy and is better off without the rest of us "worthless vermine".

But I know... I know deep down inside, he is hurting, he is a child crying and so scared of death and illness... I know deep down inside he is suffering, forever dwelling anger, deceit, lies and greed... I know he must be in so much pain, but is in constant denial, which hurts even more...

I grabbed my schoolbag and left the house.

Moments later I was again in tears.