Dad came home a little bit earlier tonight, and I was still in my room trying to finish the readings for class tomorrow. I was a little surprised to see him, and the first thing he said was how windy it was this afternoon that he could hardly stand straight. As usual, I smiled and asked him what he did and where he went today. And, as usual, he replied “just here and there”... which mostly likely meant the same old place where he usually goes. I packed up my books and went into the living room to study further.
Soon he came down after me, and sat down on the sofa behind me. He continued talking about the weather today, and how it has so suddenly changed so dramatically and unpredictably. True, this morning it was wonderfully sunny and bright, and suddenly it poured with rain and a storm started to blow, but at times I wasn’t sure whether dad was still just referring to the weather, or unconsciously talking about something else... May be just my over- associative and imaginative mind at work.
We actually sat down and had a good half hour or so of solid conversation. Nothing deep, nothing groundbreaking in our relationship, and certainly nothing about the events of the past few days. But it was at least conversation, and more moments of bonding, even though it was mostly about things like how ridiculously prices have risen since the Euro, or how so many things have changed since the last time he visited, or how the weather is so different from before. We did talk somewhat about my future, and in his mind, he still insists that I must go on to get a ‘permanent head damage’ (PhD), because frankly to him all my other accomplishments mean nothing. Besides that, the short time we spent talking and bonding were so very precious... When he finished, he slowly walked upstairs, and as usual before leaving my sight, he turned to say: “Don’t go to sleep too late, ok?”
And as usual, I said to him: “OK, you go sleep first, and sleep well.”
Earlier in the day, I spoke to a good friend, who happens to be a professional psychiatrist, and who has for a long time been really caring and concerned about the wellbeing of me and my family. I had told her about the recent events at home, and dad’s sudden dramatic and unpredictable changes of ‘weather’. There were things that my friend mentioned that really struck me... at this point in life, my dad is really reacting and acting in a way a small child would, trying to test the limits of other people’s tolerance and love, by ‘crying’ and ‘screaming’. In truth, it’s a desperate cry for help, and however much the anger and outrage is, the pain and suffering inside is much, much deeper and more extensive. Perhaps, dad is not aware of how he is hurting people by what he says and does, but he must be very, very afraid and uncertain because, in all honesty, everything and everyone seems to be slipping away... his health, his job (now that he’s retired), even his family, and most of all, his life... everything and everything seems to be beyond his control, and it’s a normal reaction to want to cling onto something like money, or even find ‘refuge’ in an addiction like his gambling habit, in order to escape.
The more I thought about it, the more I realised the meaning of what my Buddhist spiritual guide once told me... nobody is ever ‘wrong’, just ignorant. Ignorant of the degree of pain, greed and suffering he is undergoing, and the degree of the pain, greed and suffering he is causing others. It doesn’t make you ‘bad’ or ‘worse’ as a person, because as human beings we are all so fragile in our emotions and beings... It’s pointless to react with anger and frustration and agitate someone who is already so angry, frustrated and agitated. Just accept, just acknowledge his pain, suffering and illness. Just accept him as he is, and send him compassion and understanding.
Because deep inside is a scared little child, trapped in an old and dying person, wanting and longing to reach out.
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