Party people

Rant alarm: mild

Have you ever been to a party and wondered what you should say to people?
I have, and just came back from one.

Again it was a an ex-colleagues place, but this time there were less of the 'intellectual' discussions (less doesn't mean none). And it was alright overall.

But just before I entered the room I was actually really, really nervous. In my head I was wondering what I should say, what I can say, and the same kind of low-self esteem perks kept bothering me. And once I was in the room with some strangers I felt like I lost the ability to speak. I was just standing there, and very nervous, and wondering what to say, or how to interact with people. I can talk, but just starting the conversation that's the hardest part. In my mind I keep telling or discouraging myself, thinking that maybe they'll not find me or what I have to say interesting. And that really hinders how I function socially.

So instead I got myself busy, because by being busy is probably the only way I didn't feel so self-conscious and so awkward. I kept on asking the host what I could do to help, so she gave me the job of cutting vegetables and stuff. Which I did, and with pleasure too. When you're busy, or looking busy there seems to be less pressure to have to talk. And I felt 'useful'.

I guess at parties I just listen and follow whatever people say. But then there are those awkward moments at parties when everyone is quiet and the conversation then goes back to the weather ("Isn't it lovely?" or "Isn't it terrible?" ) or to the kids running around ("Aww, how cute").

And then after the party was finished I went off with a friend (the girl whose place I stayed at last weekend). She and I are pretty close. And I was like a completely different person. I could actually talk without tripping over words, and I was (or at least I felt I was) actually funny, spontaneous, and sounded intelligent too ; ) Why difference?? Why can't I be spontaneous and free all the time, with anyone and everyone?

Anyways, hope this stayed within the 'mild' level of ranting I indicated before....