Illness and healing....

How did I become so ill? So ill it feels like I'm about to faint and never wake up again...? Never in my life have I felt this way. The fever that comes and goes, the incessant sweating and painful cough that can be easily triggered by swallowing saliva. The worst is the dizziness and delirium... When I close my eyes, I see the universe and white flashes of light and spots. When I open my eyes, the world spins and I must tread ever so careful so as not to fall and collapse...

It all began the day after I arrived. I know I'd been coughing for over a month, but symptoms of a cold have already subsided from consumptions of echinacea and herbal teas and lots of fresh fruit smoothies. I boarded the plane, arrived in Taiwan and felt alright. The first day i slept for close to eight hours but I woke up and felt pain throughout my body. Aches and sores, sweating and a light fever. These have lasted for three days now, and I cannot tell if I am getting better or worse.

Two friends and my cousin arranged to surprise me at the high speed railway station three days ago. I was already feeling ill, but they were so kind and sp thoughtful to travel all this way to coke see me and be with me, because they know I'll be very lonely (and hurting at times...) During this holiday when families get together. I was extremely touched, and shocked beyond words when I saw the two of them, one of whom I've not seen for over eight years, but whom I got in touch again because the other friend thougut she and I would have a lot to relate with one another. indeed, she struggled with the loss of her parents, struggled/-s to move on and find self worth and love in others. She experienced the depression, lethargy, the unwillingness to get up and face the world, the inability to find joy and lightness in life after her parents passed. A few years on, she is still alive, still standing and has managed to reconcile with loss, but it takes times, patience and will...

One thing is for sure, I cannot deal with the loss of people who have died, but I can chose to deal with pepole whose presence in my life has become obsolete or become a hindrance to finding self worth and love. I do need to surround myself with people who are supportive and understanding, who would literally travel the world to be with me and show me the depth of their love and care, who can look me in the eues and tell me I can tell them anything, everything and not judge, not grovel and not hit back and say I complain all the time and am not grateful. I am grateful, beyond words, but the gratitude and feelings of kindness and care and love for the other has been so depleted by the energy and time I have dedicated and focused on my mother and (to some extend) father. I am not just an empty shell, hollow of feelings, dazed and destroyed inside after five, six years of trying to cope with loss and trying to find healing and solace rom the tears that she'd so easily. I am trying, really tryjng.  

My head is spinning still, and my friends and I are heading to the north today. I have no real plans, except to stay with them while they are still here. In ways I feel terrible they are here with me but my body is wracked by illness and sores, my voice is coarse and I can hardly speak or eat or drink... But they said we don't have to do anything, all they want to do is be with me...

I am going to see how things go, I may check myself into the emergency room somewhere. But I hate that, I hate hospitals and sirens. I  just dread getting into the medical system. But in the back of my head I am concerned that this is not just some common cold that will subside. This may be a strain of a cold virus that has claimed lives in this region and also in north America. 

I don't know what to do. My brothr and sisterinlaw are heading overseas today, my relatives are in the south. If I head to the north i have no one to take care of me or see me if I'm ill or hospitalised...

This is turning out to be some start to the new year.