Yul-yyz

Flight 495, yul-yyz.

First flight of four to come in the next forty-eight hours. I started crying almost as soon as I sat down. The tears have been collecting, and threatening to escape my tired, tired eyes. It's been like this for the past two, three weeks. Another emotional spell whereby I can be so easily pushed over the edge and cry...

Exam anxiety, anniversary of dad's passing, the dread of going home and uncertainty of where I will stay. A friend said I'll survive, because I surived last year. But in all honesty, I don't want to just survive. I want to live. I want to love. I want to feel alive and smile again! How long must I go on surviving? How long must I bear these heavy, heavy burdens and emotions  of grief and loss and longing? Impatient, I am. Because it's been so long, and yet I cannot shake out of it. I cannot let go. I cannot escape the bursting of tears and emotions when my mind drifts back, without me even wanting or trying, to events in yesteryears....

The knowledge of having a home to return to and a mother to go back to to hug whenever I fly back... The feeling of family and belonging just there, even if so far away... The reunion dinners and fancy feasts that we used to enjoy this time of the year... The comfort and knowledge of having a dear friend and lover whom I can trust and speak to, whom I enjoyed and look forward to speaking to and seeing... 

Everything rolled into one jumble of emotional entanglement and web of attachments and longing I cannot free myself from.

 Everything is gone!

Everything is in the past!  

Nothing stays ever the same!

Much of my emotional outbursts I realise are related to this exam. Why, again, I hear my mind ask myself, am I torturing myself with exams I could not care more or less about? Why do I put myself through periodical bouts of severe agony and depression every three months over a piece of paper, the recognition of having a title for which I seriously have no intention of using? 

I want to give up, I want to stop it all, but I dont know how. All I can think of are the judgmental voices and faces.... All I can see are the wags of fingers of shame.

I am pushing myself to the edge, and for what? For what? I am sleeping four hours a day because I can't sleep more than that at night (and yet have such frequent needs of lying down and curling up in a foetal position and closing my eyes to hide...). Why am I putting my mind and body through this? 

I am so tired.... And these tears make me so drowsy, so droswsy and weak.