I lower my head and long for home..."
The moon is so bright, so clear, so round. Not at it's roundest yet, for that is tomorrow night.
I too feel this longing for home, for loved ones who are no longer around. As I tried to describe it to someone, but failed to make the person understand, I am lost for words these days. Lost for words as what to say, lost for words as to how to describe how I am feeling, loss for words as to how to describe the feeling of abandonment and isolation i feel vis-a-vis the rest of the world. And this day, more than others, rationally or otherwise, logically or otherwise, feels more heavy than any other...
I have grown so remarkably silent that even my colleague has been asking what is wrong with me. I cannot describe it. I cannot express it. I cannot put into words the hollowness, the bursts of emotions, the unstoppable and sudden attack od tears or anxiety. I cannot. I cannot. And yet this world is so focused on expressing, on words, on noise, on talking, on talking about others... I do not fit in, simply so not, so I shut down. I withdraw. I give up.
Nobody, nobody can touch me, nobody can be trusted, nobody can ever enter my world and my thoughts. I have silenced up, have become mute and dumb. I do not wish to share, for truly there is nothing to share, for my emotions are just weighed down by tiredness and heaviness...
Imagine the dread I have of having to go to a dinner get together soon with people I have grown so distant from for various reasons, one being I simply do not feel any affinity towards them whatsoever. When in the most difficult part of my life people I thought were friends keep away and do not seem to care to ask how I am really doing, you naturally just lose touch.
I do not blame anyone, and perhaps I have myself to blame for the utter sense of despair and isolation I feel now... But really, I dread to see people, dread to interact with people in a big crowd. But nobody seems to understand that and seem to want to force me to do things I simply do not want. Nobody understands what it is like to go through the holidays while you are in a very low mood and while you're still trying to shake away the pain of loss and grief. Nobody seems able to respect that I need boundaries and find it so tiring and so fake to pretend and bring myself to smile and enjoy things.
The above is a part of a classic poem by a famed Chinese poet, which describes his longing and sadness being away from home. Seeing the full moon he is reminded of home. And there is no bright moon than the moon on Mid Autumn's Day... There are perhaps few other day when I at most feel so much longing to see and to touch my parents again... There is perhaps no other moment when, watching the (almost) full moon, I so dream of a lover's embrace and being able to close my eyes and rest my tired, tired soul comfortably on the shoulders of someone true and genuine.
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