Alarm

I stood on the platform on my way home. I leaned against the wall and felt so tired. The heat, the humidity is eroding my energy levels, even when I feel like I do so little. 

The work I do, reading and researching for others, doesn't really mean I get a chance to talk to anyone. So to go home at the end of the day and be silent for the whole night is daunting. I stood on the platform and wondered what I could do or watch later to keep me away from thinking and feeling that I'm the only person left. Since mum died, this feeling has been haunting me occasionally. There's always my cat, but these days she keeps to herself and hides trying to keep cool...

A quarter past eight in the evening. I detoured to the hardware store in the hope of getting some kind of alarm to a attach to my front door. A friend of mine has one. It rings when you open the door. More noise than anything else. But it's a deterrent. I was also hoping to buy some "alarm stickers" to place on my window. Again, more to scare than anything else. anything helps, anything helps when you're paranoid and scared of being alone. 

Standing on the platform, I again have this overwhelming and nauseating feeling of not wanting to go home. A few times I just go bike at night. But that's kind of dangerous and creepy to be biking alone in the dark.  

Ha... Before it was just the loneliness, the unpleasantness of being alone. Now it's being alone at home and the paranoia of someone showing up at my door or trying to break in... 

Never ending. Never any real peace or rest...