"Cancer no more"

The last several days have been hectic and terribly exhausting. My bereavement therapy group ended after eight weeks of meetings. It was an emotional affair that left me "shell shocked" and very prone to tears. At work, two conferences made it extremely busy, especially as the person who was supposed to be organizing them did a half-arsed job doing so. In some ways, I felt really useful and "good" about myself, as I was called in at the last minute to take care of several important details, which made my boss pretty pleased (and upset at the person who was supposed to be in charge of it all...) 

But the exhaustion and long working days have taken a toll, as I feel dizzy and so emotional. Dizzy to the extent I feel I could faint easily, emotional to the extent I feel like I could burst out in tears. Strangely though, being busy and distracted also made the time pass quickly. 

Sleep has become a novelty especially needing to get up early every single morning. I dreamt of mum today again, and it has been a while since I last did.

Brother was there at the hospital, I think mum was there too, but in the background. It was a grueling and intense experience, the details of which I can't remember. Brother told me about mum's  condition solemnly. Turns out, though she was in a stable condition, she still needed to undergo treatment. And if the latest treatment did not go well, mum would need to undergo an extremely expensive and difficult treatment. 

I "shocked" awake, and found myself on the verge of tears. I lay in bed for a few moments to gather my thoughts, to let the traumatising images and thoughts sink in and fade away.

"Cancer no more... Cancer no more..." I heard myself saying mentally. I closed my eyes and hugged the teddy bear mum gave me.  "Cancer no more..."

6.50am. Ten minutes before the alarm went off.