Long weekend

Woke up today and feel very down. Nervous. Anxious in fact. The ex is coming to town. Why should him being here affect me so? 

It's because of expectations, of fear of rejection and disappointments. It's because he has the ability to make me feel like the worse and most unwanted person in the world, and the ability to make me believe and hold onto hope of something beautiful and sweet. I get so fragile and hurt because of him.

Before, whenever he used to visit he would stay with me, we'd do a lot together. Yesterday I asked him when he's arriving and where he's staying. He sounded  uncomfortable, said he was arriving late and going to another friend's place to stay. He said it would be late to get to my place. Where he said he purportedly is going stay is even further away. 

I'm guessing he doesn't want to see me, will only see me when it's convenient for him. He told me before his visits here are for "fun".

I guess I'm not fun. I'm guessing he's here because of someone else, and I'm no longer that someone. It's like that dream I had a few days ago. It's frightening. It makes me so sad, so broken, as if I need any more hurt, any more confusion. 

It just hurts a lot, and I don't think he realises why. It feels like for him it's all fine and dandy between us, when a year ago he was all over me and telling me how much he loves me and wants to be with me. And now? He calls me every day, gives me the impression as if everything were back to normal again. But no, nothing is ever the same. Not for me...

I wish I did not feel this way... I wish I had clarity, wish I could free myself from feeling and be like my ex and just move on, be merry and pretend nothing ever happened, pretend as if nothing ever was said of felt. 

It's going to be a long, long weekend...