I saw my ex in the dream. He was shouting at me, making fun, laughing at me. I felt like such a fool. A fool to be hanging on, to be clinging on to hope still, two years now after he suddenly broke up with me, one year now after he told me how much he wants to be with me, and where is he now?
In the dream he was not laughing at me alone. The boy he is so infatuated with, the reason why he has been unable to let go, why our friendship has suffered and deteriorated so much over the past two years, was there next to him. Both were laughing at me, laughing at this fool who believes in true love, who is too foolish to see that other people can and do move on quickly.
I woke up gasping for breath, almost on the verge of tears. My phone vibrated. It was him, the ex, telling me he got me even more sponsorship for a charity ride I am doing in early July.
I think I know what the trigger of the dream may be. He is coming to visit this weekend. Every time he visits it feels "off", feels awkward when he wants to spend time with me. Time and time again, I have been left so hurt while he drops by for a visit and quickly must dash off elsewhere. Of course I don't, I shouldn't, expect him to spend all his time with me, but you know how it feels to be unwanted? To feel like someone is visiting you or hanging around with you just because they feel pity and feel like they should spend time with you? Perhaps to him visiting his old hometown is all fun and great, but for me it just conjures up unpleasant memories of abandonment, of being told one thing and see him do the complete opposite, of being warned time and time again about how I should move on and be wary of him, yet being unable (or perhaps unwilling?) to detach myself from him.
It feels like crap, it debases my value, it makes me feel me wanting, longing deep down inside.
A foolish, one-sided, desperate desire for love and affection from someone who does not realise, does not see how deeply he affects me still.
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