Bread bar

300313.2234


We were having dinner, at this restaurant with a "bread bar". What a novel concept, and it crossed my mind mum would have really enjoyed a place like this one...

My ex began to tear, and then cry. "Why are you crying?" I asked. He denied it, but his words were not true to his eyes.

He spoke softly and with a tinge of regret. He told me how lonely it is for him in Toronto, where he now lives and works. He said he could have had a cat, a dog... and me.
He could have had it all.

I wasn't sure what to say. I wanted all that, and was prepared to give my all. But he made a choice, pushed me away. How can you make a choice and settle for someone else and cry in front of me, who has nothing? No friend I can trust, no confidante I can confide in, and no longer a potential partner I saw myself building a life and home with?

I said I only hoped he is happy. And truly, as I have always hoped for him, even at moments when I feel so rotten and so betrayed, I hope he has found happiness, true peace and that he has someone in his life who can make him feel complete and loved. Because I could never give him that, because I have become such a terrible friend and the love who loved him in all the wrong, selfish weis...

It hurt to see him cry. Under the table, I stroked his leg. It seemed the only way I felt appropriate and able to express my feelings and care for him. Under the table, hidden, indirectly, subtly and unrequited. He seemed to cry even more.

Is this really the end of us? Did I kill us because I was too impatient and too pushy with my feelings?

Who knows what will happen and why. He knows how much he cares for me, he knows how special I am. He knows himself how much he loves me.

And I? I am lost and confused and left wanting, longing...