"Random things"

A wonderful morning at the zoo, even though we slept only a few hours the night before. Crying, pouring out my emotions, pain and what kills me so. My ex stayed the night and we slept on the same bed, back to back... How beautiful it is to feel the warmth of another person's body... It means so much to me, so much after so many lonely and teary nights...

He was due to return to his city. Earlier he expressed how lonely it is there, how it's only him in a city where he knows few people.

It was a hurried goodbye, a most strained and unpleasant one. I helped him carry some things he had in my office, and once we for back he revealed his boyfriend is in the neighborhood.

I quickly said goodbye and left... But I ran and ran and ran home because there were a few things I wanted to give him before he left. God only knows how long it will be till we see each other. I got to the apartment he was staying at, and there by the door was a guy standing there and waiting. His boyfriend. The reason for all the tensions between my ex and I, the very reason why a four year friendship soured and the source of so much gossip and amusement amongst mutual friends...
I saw him, but he did not see me. I'm just the invisible ex, the third wheel and thorn in a relationship that I have for too long come in between.

I had in my hands a bag with my ex's shoes and tennis racquet... And some "random things" (as I heard them later described...). Notes, little messages and smiles from me to him.

But they are redundant now. I am redundant now.

I turned away and walked home, saddened, hurting again and despondent. Who knows of my pain? Does my ex, someone who has proclaimed again and again he is my best friend and who loves and cares about me so, really know or understand what pain and hurt he puts me through?

Or perhaps I should blame myself. Blame myself for being attached to someone who others have repeatedly told me is not worth it-- do I not deserve more?

I turned away and walked away. The notes, messages of encouragements and care, and love (dare I say...) mean so little. They may as well be burnt and destroyed.

I left my neighborhood with a friend and happen to call me up and offered me a drive around town.

I drank myself silly and got so drunk I felt asleep in the car. I got so drunk that I did not feel lonely, did not feel pain... Just this temporary bliss and joy that was so high, and that would send me crashing down the next morning...