200213.2320
Twenty minutes past eleven on my birthday eve. Sitting in the lobby of the resort I checked myself into, in the background laughter and karaoke blasting away in the bar. I'm alone. There's mystery in being anonymous, and strangely also some sort of comfort. It feels lonely, for sure, and dining alone while being surrounded by couples and families made me so self conscious. But I chose to be here, chose to be here all alone.
I do wish I had company. I tried, even went as far as asking the ex. He said he could not. i did not insist more than necessary. I may be lonely, may crave for human contact and intimacy, but I should not go around begging for it. Given the circumstances, it is perhaps best that I am alone.
There is a soft and gentle breeze blowing into the lobby. The Caribbean Sea continually combs the white sandy beaches. It is beautiful here, and I am so fortunate to be here, to be able to afford all this. But with the abundance and wealth and all that that has been left to me, there is terrible terrible void and emptiness...
I'm hiding, I know I am. From what though I don't know. From friends? From the fear of being given a surprise party with gifts and well wishes and such none sense that go with birthday celebrations? Or perhaps hiding from the fear of not being able to laugh and smile and enjoy myself despite the good intentions of others? Sometimes it is easier, much simpler, to be alone, because you do not have to care about what other people think. You do not have to make yourself smile when you don't have to and don't want to. Nowadays I feel people want me to be happy, expect to be happy... But they don't realise how difficult it is, even after so long.
Twenty eight years are almost up. I remember my birthday last year. My braved her pains and tiredness and accompanied me (and my uncle and her friends) and we went to the seaside. We enjoyed a sumptuous meal of lobster and assorted seafood. Then we went to the shore and set off sky lanterns. I made so many wishes... For good health, happiness, freedom from suffering... All for mum, for the world, for the people in my life, for the love of my life (then, at least I thought...), for my late dad...
"I would do anything for love...
But I won't do that..." (is playing now)
And now...? With a dozen minutes to go till I turn 29, what do I wish for? Something for myself? More love for myself? wish for peace, and for the rediscovery of the ability to love and to laugh again after such great losses in my life?
The alcohol is setting in. I must be blushing like an apple ready for plucking. But in hiding nobody knows me, nobody is here to judge someone sitting on a high chair away from the crowd tapping away on his phone with his head down...
I'm heading to the beach... Let nature, let the wind and the ocean wash me and usher me into a new year... Let the sounds of the waves drown away the sounds of my sorrow and crying.
Goodbye 28,
Hello life.
Twenty minutes past eleven on my birthday eve. Sitting in the lobby of the resort I checked myself into, in the background laughter and karaoke blasting away in the bar. I'm alone. There's mystery in being anonymous, and strangely also some sort of comfort. It feels lonely, for sure, and dining alone while being surrounded by couples and families made me so self conscious. But I chose to be here, chose to be here all alone.
I do wish I had company. I tried, even went as far as asking the ex. He said he could not. i did not insist more than necessary. I may be lonely, may crave for human contact and intimacy, but I should not go around begging for it. Given the circumstances, it is perhaps best that I am alone.
There is a soft and gentle breeze blowing into the lobby. The Caribbean Sea continually combs the white sandy beaches. It is beautiful here, and I am so fortunate to be here, to be able to afford all this. But with the abundance and wealth and all that that has been left to me, there is terrible terrible void and emptiness...
I'm hiding, I know I am. From what though I don't know. From friends? From the fear of being given a surprise party with gifts and well wishes and such none sense that go with birthday celebrations? Or perhaps hiding from the fear of not being able to laugh and smile and enjoy myself despite the good intentions of others? Sometimes it is easier, much simpler, to be alone, because you do not have to care about what other people think. You do not have to make yourself smile when you don't have to and don't want to. Nowadays I feel people want me to be happy, expect to be happy... But they don't realise how difficult it is, even after so long.
Twenty eight years are almost up. I remember my birthday last year. My braved her pains and tiredness and accompanied me (and my uncle and her friends) and we went to the seaside. We enjoyed a sumptuous meal of lobster and assorted seafood. Then we went to the shore and set off sky lanterns. I made so many wishes... For good health, happiness, freedom from suffering... All for mum, for the world, for the people in my life, for the love of my life (then, at least I thought...), for my late dad...
"I would do anything for love...
But I won't do that..." (is playing now)
And now...? With a dozen minutes to go till I turn 29, what do I wish for? Something for myself? More love for myself? wish for peace, and for the rediscovery of the ability to love and to laugh again after such great losses in my life?
The alcohol is setting in. I must be blushing like an apple ready for plucking. But in hiding nobody knows me, nobody is here to judge someone sitting on a high chair away from the crowd tapping away on his phone with his head down...
I'm heading to the beach... Let nature, let the wind and the ocean wash me and usher me into a new year... Let the sounds of the waves drown away the sounds of my sorrow and crying.
Goodbye 28,
Hello life.
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