30072012.1734
I arrived at my grandma's place, but she was out at the market. the next door neighbour, a 93 year old lady who had poor eye sight, heard my voice, she immediately recognised me as my Mum's child. "Did your mum come back?" she asked.
"She returned..." I quietly said. "returned" being a Taiwanese euphemism for passing away, returning to the heavens from where we all come from.
"Returned to Holland?"
"No, she returned..."
The old lady, her face full of wrinkles, raised her hands to her eyes and broke into tears when she realised what I meant. "So young... She used to come visit every so often, and was always so kind..." The sadness and pain kept on building up throughout the day. "She was so kind..." Yes, mum truly was, and every reminder of her kindness, every memory of her shared by Mum's family members added to the pain and sadness.
My grandma (mum's (step)mother) returned, and soon enough she was wiping away her tears as we sat down to chat. It was the first time i saw her since mum's passing. I too had difficulty holding tears back. "I didn't go to the funeral, because it's too painful... I was afraid when I start crying I won't stop..." she said, "I hope you can understand..."
I understood. What it must be like for a mother to lose a child, even if it's a stepmother. I looked at the empty chairs in the living room. Mum would sit on the chair opposite me or sometimes beside me whenever we visit grandma together. But today, it was just my grandma and me, and the sound of the ceiling fan cutting through the emptiness of the air.
Throughout the morning and even during lunch as we talked a about mum, my grandma went silent and shed tears several times. I sat next to her during lunch, so I could see clearly how tears streamed out of her eyes. What she must be thinking about... What she must be remembering about mum...
I went to see her by myself in the morning, for I had a mission. Mum had included grandma in her will, and it is Mum's wish to leave some money to her (step)mother as appreciation for bringing mum up. I went to my grandma's with a red envelop full of cash and I explained to her Mum's wish.
She became sad and did not want to take the money. With a shaken voice: "Her thoughts and kindness I have received but I cannot take the money..." We sat down and for a while went back and forth on the issue. I insisted it is Mum's will, but my grandma said she has means and didn't want to take anything. Her regret is that she did not have a last chance to see mum before she passed away, for my grandma was herself injured after a fall in the month of June. "Your mum was such a caring and filial daughter..."
"And like your grandpa, she really loved to travel, really enjoyed fine food. My grandpa was disabled from the waist down about fifteen years before he passed away. So almost as long as I could remember he would sit in this rattan chair and smile everytime mum and I went through the door, and cry everytime we left. Mum brought him his favorite foods everytime she visited. "And he could tell which food stall from another..." grandma said, "He could take one bite and know that where you bought the food. Your mum also had a fine taste for food. Like father, like daughter..." I smiled as I learned a bit more about mum, and also in a way about where I came from.
"I'm worried about you most of all, as was your mum..." grandma said. For a good while, she went on about how she was worried about how I will fare now that I am parentless. "You have no one to turn to now, so you have to be strong and brave..." Her regret is that she did not get to see mum before she went, for she herself was injured after a bad fall back in June. "You have to do good and not disappoint your mother..."
I nodded and said I understood.
I know myself how much mum (and dad) have given me, and how fortunate I am, even though they are no longer around. I know I am blessed, even though I can no longer turn to them for advice or call them up.
At one moment, I snuck away to let the pain and tears drain out of me. I wandered to a small temple close to where my grandma lives. In the basement of the temple my grandpa's (Mum's dad) memorial is sheltered.
I stood before my grandpa's little memorial plaque and held an incense stick and prayed. I shed more tears as I silently prayed: "Grandpa, now you and mum are reunited, I hope you will take good care of her, and show her the way..." in my mind, I saw my grandpa and mum, saw them sitting in heaven and laughing... It was a beautiful image, but also so very sad... So very sad.
I arrived at my grandma's place, but she was out at the market. the next door neighbour, a 93 year old lady who had poor eye sight, heard my voice, she immediately recognised me as my Mum's child. "Did your mum come back?" she asked.
"She returned..." I quietly said. "returned" being a Taiwanese euphemism for passing away, returning to the heavens from where we all come from.
"Returned to Holland?"
"No, she returned..."
The old lady, her face full of wrinkles, raised her hands to her eyes and broke into tears when she realised what I meant. "So young... She used to come visit every so often, and was always so kind..." The sadness and pain kept on building up throughout the day. "She was so kind..." Yes, mum truly was, and every reminder of her kindness, every memory of her shared by Mum's family members added to the pain and sadness.
My grandma (mum's (step)mother) returned, and soon enough she was wiping away her tears as we sat down to chat. It was the first time i saw her since mum's passing. I too had difficulty holding tears back. "I didn't go to the funeral, because it's too painful... I was afraid when I start crying I won't stop..." she said, "I hope you can understand..."
I understood. What it must be like for a mother to lose a child, even if it's a stepmother. I looked at the empty chairs in the living room. Mum would sit on the chair opposite me or sometimes beside me whenever we visit grandma together. But today, it was just my grandma and me, and the sound of the ceiling fan cutting through the emptiness of the air.
Throughout the morning and even during lunch as we talked a about mum, my grandma went silent and shed tears several times. I sat next to her during lunch, so I could see clearly how tears streamed out of her eyes. What she must be thinking about... What she must be remembering about mum...
I went to see her by myself in the morning, for I had a mission. Mum had included grandma in her will, and it is Mum's wish to leave some money to her (step)mother as appreciation for bringing mum up. I went to my grandma's with a red envelop full of cash and I explained to her Mum's wish.
She became sad and did not want to take the money. With a shaken voice: "Her thoughts and kindness I have received but I cannot take the money..." We sat down and for a while went back and forth on the issue. I insisted it is Mum's will, but my grandma said she has means and didn't want to take anything. Her regret is that she did not have a last chance to see mum before she passed away, for my grandma was herself injured after a fall in the month of June. "Your mum was such a caring and filial daughter..."
"And like your grandpa, she really loved to travel, really enjoyed fine food. My grandpa was disabled from the waist down about fifteen years before he passed away. So almost as long as I could remember he would sit in this rattan chair and smile everytime mum and I went through the door, and cry everytime we left. Mum brought him his favorite foods everytime she visited. "And he could tell which food stall from another..." grandma said, "He could take one bite and know that where you bought the food. Your mum also had a fine taste for food. Like father, like daughter..." I smiled as I learned a bit more about mum, and also in a way about where I came from.
"I'm worried about you most of all, as was your mum..." grandma said. For a good while, she went on about how she was worried about how I will fare now that I am parentless. "You have no one to turn to now, so you have to be strong and brave..." Her regret is that she did not get to see mum before she went, for she herself was injured after a bad fall back in June. "You have to do good and not disappoint your mother..."
I nodded and said I understood.
I know myself how much mum (and dad) have given me, and how fortunate I am, even though they are no longer around. I know I am blessed, even though I can no longer turn to them for advice or call them up.
At one moment, I snuck away to let the pain and tears drain out of me. I wandered to a small temple close to where my grandma lives. In the basement of the temple my grandpa's (Mum's dad) memorial is sheltered.
I stood before my grandpa's little memorial plaque and held an incense stick and prayed. I shed more tears as I silently prayed: "Grandpa, now you and mum are reunited, I hope you will take good care of her, and show her the way..." in my mind, I saw my grandpa and mum, saw them sitting in heaven and laughing... It was a beautiful image, but also so very sad... So very sad.
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