Frustrations

I said goodbye and walked into the crow of people catching the metro. Upon leaving, my friend stood there and said: "Take good care of yourself..." I simply nodded, but was extremely touched by the words. Moments later,  another friend texted me and also told me to take care.

A heavy heart, a heavy weight cannot be hidden, can be seen sometimes on the expressions of one's face, in the silence or fatigue of one's words. I met up with two friends today, and yet I was somewhat lost in my own world, in my own worries. And they could see that. I came home straight after meeting them, and stared out the window for a while.

I felt so extremely tired. Not from doing anything physical, but from the mental images and thoughts that keep on bothering my mind. How I miss my home back in Canada... how I hurt to see mum in pain and suffering... how I hurt to think of the fact that two weeks from now I am boarding a plane to leave all this behind... how I feel so down, so very down... And how unhealthy that is, not only for my own well-being, but also for mum's sake, for sadness and frustration is infectious.

I know it is all in my mind. All this worry, all the fear, all the anxieties, all that inability to let go... it is all the creation of a restless mind that is caught between wanting and not wanting, that is swinging from desire and aversion, like and dislike. It is hard to shake these feelings away, however much people around me tell me otherwise, or try to comfort me by offering words of solace and encouragement.

Sometimes, I wish I could go away and just shut everything out. If only temporarily.